Monday, September 19, 2011

Lonely no more!

I am still working on what Clueless had asked me to think about a couple of years ago. Which is, to enjoy my own company and not feel bad if I am sitting around alone at a movie theatre or at a restaurant, but to feel secure in my own company that I find it enjoyable. I managed the watch movie alone in a theatre part of that list, it wasn't a problem at all, especially since the theatre I  chose was my favourite one (with couches and cheap tickets!). But the part, where its me being alone at home, I thought I wasn't making any progress at all, until this weekend happened and I realized something was different.

I haven't been in much human contact this weekend, which is completely out of character. The only forms of contact where over the phone, a few texts, a few phone calls from home and from Madison (CKR!). But otherwise it was me and myself. And no, I wasn't depressed or sad. I actually found I didn't mind my own company!

Saturday morning, I had to come into lab to help out a fellow labmate. She is one of my favourite post docs in lab and she had to be at home with her son, but there were a couple of minor things to do in lab. I volunteered to drive over and help out with the lab stuff so she wouldn't have to come in. After that, cooked some simple indian food for lunch (and dinner) and spent the rest of the day reading my book, watching movies (Hunt for Red October and Life in a Metro). Nothing special. Just your average Saturday, lazing around, watching movies and reading books. It wasn't here that I found a change in my attitude to being on my own...

Come Sunday, I don't know what it was, but gut feeling told me that I would be on my own this day as well. I thought it would bother me, but it didn't! I took precautions anyways and decided I was going to watch something that I liked and something that would make me happy. The choice was "Batman - Under the Red Hood". While watching this, inspiration struck and I spent the rest of the day making trips to the art store and painting and making more trips to the art store as I ran out of supplies. I completed 4 paintings in one afternoon. All while watching the show "Bones".

Now here is the weird part. I feel like I cheated somehow. That I cannot count this weekend as truly me being happy in my own company. I had painting to distract me, for one. Any time I get an idea/inspiration, I get so possessed by it that I can't sit still till the painting is all done. So maybe I was just distracted by it. Here is the crazy part, another part of me that thinks it wasn't the painting that made the difference, it was watching "Bones". I was a fan of the show and have watched all seasons of it. I hadn't watched it in a long long long long time because I knew all the plots and twists and almost always remembered who the bad guy was. But this weekend, I watched Bones again, and now I am sitting at work, and it suddenly occurred to me, did I not feel lonely because in some strange sense, I was "hanging out" with the characters in Bones?

When I had bought Smallville season 4 DVD a few months ago and watched it after what seemed like forever, it was like a reunion with old friends, Clark Kent, Lex Luthor, Chloe and Lana. Watching Bones yesterday, all day long, laughing with the characters and all, made it feel like another reunion.

I know I sound completely crazy. I would create a tag that says "crazy" to label this post but I decided the "Yours weirdly" tag would suffice for now. The term "crazy" is a whole other can of worms that I intend to write about sometime soon here.

So, did I just cheat on the whole "lonely no more" thing? Do I really not mind my own company, or was watching my comfort shows just the methadone to the heroin that is real human company? Or maybe a combination of wanting to paint and watching my comfort shows is what kept my spirits up this weekend?

Whatever be the case, its definitely an improvement from where I stood just a couple of months back. It may not seem like a huge achievement, but it means a lot to me, because I am slowly beginning to believe that, hey, maybe I really can depend on myself. Maybe I do have it in me to take care of myself. And maybe, just maybe, I will keep getting better at being stronger :)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Every human is a social being. There is nothing wrong in expecting some company. Often we get this requirement fulfilled through the characters in the book we are reading, or the TV shows we watch. May be that is why people are hooked to Soaps. They start feeling close to the characters in there. This is the case with every one and not only you. I am glad that you have started enjoying being by yourself. When I am all by myself at home for long time, I have the TV on while I am doing some work. It does feel like I have company. My experience is anything creative always makes us happy. Keep up with your painting and other things you enjoy.