How do you like your eggs?

I met this interesting girl once when I was out. We got into a conversation and she was telling me about herself, her life goals and ambitions, personal and professional. As far as personal goals went, she said she had just one goal - to find out how she likes her eggs in the morning. I looked at her for a second, wondering if she was being serious about it, then I realized she was making a reference, she didn't literally mean that her only goal in life was to figure out how she wanted her eggs. I am still surprised I understood the reference, given that I have watched "The Runaway Bride" only once!

For those of you who haven't watched the movie or who don't remember this reference, the movie is about Julia Roberts dating one guy after another, moulding herself to suit each guy's needs and then running out on the wedding at the last minute. Richard Gere calls her out on her BS and confronts her by saying, she loses herself so much in these men that she doesn't even know how she likes her eggs because she always gets the same kind of eggs that the man she is dating at the time gets.

The girl I met was using this reference to tell me that she has been catering to the needs of the people she has been in relationships with that she feels like she has lost her identity and need to reclaim that before she does anything else with her personal life. It made complete sense to me and I respected her a lot for that.

That conversation made me look at myself, my tastes and choices and I realize that on several matters, my choices have been very much affected by the people around me, this gets esepcially worse when I am in a relationship or with a very close friend. I am beginning I don't know how I like my eggs in the morning, I need to figure it out.

What got me thinking about this conversation that was had long long ago was the scent that greeted me as I entered my apartment today after stepping out for a while. It was a pleasant, cherry-flavoured scent that seemed to have a cheerful and perky connotation to it. It made me happy and it made me smile. The reason my apartment smells so damn good is because I have become a huge fan of scented candles. And all these months, I have been buying candles that have a flowery scent to them, which is awesome, I love flowery scents. But a few weeks back, I saw a few candles that were on sale for half price. I looked at the scents they had, they were all very fruity - Cherry, plums, strawberries etc etc. I picked up the black cherry candle and smelled it. I was surprised at how good it was! I stayed away from all scents fruity because an old friend of mine, with whom I used to spend a lot of time, hated fruity scents, and so I stayed away from them too. Over time, it became a habit. But that's not really me, I don't mind fruity, under a certain limit! My apartment smells awesome!

Lots of choices I have made are because of the people in my life and now I am spending time reevaluating those choices and testing them all to see if it really suits me. Sometimes the answer is a yes, for example, I started using Aussie brand conditioner because a very good friend of  mine recommended it, when I started dating, my ex had told me that was her favorite conditioner. So I started using it. After my ex and I broke up, I switched to a different conditioner but it didn't take me long to realize that Aussie actually is really effective for frizzy hair. Aussie is here to stay.

Doctor Who, may or may not stay, not sure on the verdict for that

Walking Dead is out. It scares me too much

Knitting, may or may not stay, there are some days when I am in the mood to knit, but it takes too long to finish a project and while I do find it rewarding at times, it isn't always as rewarding as I am lead to believe.

Oreos had taken a hiatus because my ex hated them, now they are back on my coffee table

Full cream milk is back

Diet coke is out. Dr. Pepper shall never darken my doorstep (or kitchen) again!

I will get myself a kitten in a few months, being a cat person does not make me evil.

When my phone is due for an upgrade, I will get another android, I will not be swept up in the iPhone craze because I am more comfortable with a droid.

Back to being indifferent about zombies (its not going to happen, y'all. Its not biologically possible)

Back to being indifferent about vampires (meh, too many vampire shows and movies, even when I don't count Twilight)

Back to using mushrooms, onions and garlic in my cooking! Yay!!!

Back to watching the Justice League, Bones, Mythbusters and Bollywood movies

Back to jamming out to Linkin Park on my drive to work

Back to making travel plans to expand my fridge magnet collection with more states to add on!

Back to 1000 piece puzzles

Back to fiction books

Back to blogging (I hope!)

Back to being me!!!!

And P.S.: I like my morning eggs fried over-hard :) Runny yolk bothers me, it needs to be cooked solid!

A process, not a time-point

Anybody who thinks that coming out is the time point when you announce to your family that you are gay, is very naive. I used to be naive and thought I was "out" just because I had told my parents that I am gay and I thought I had dealt with my feelings about the matter. But as it turns out, it is a journey, that is still on-going. And every now and then, things happen that make me realize that being openly gay does not mean I'm completely out, even to myself. (I just re-read that sentence and it made no sense, but I am keeping it there).

I  have lost count of the number of times I have opened and closed blogger in an attempt to write this post. And its been two days since I contemplated writing it. I was on facebook when I read the story of Shane and Tom, and I was really moved by it. I seem to be able to relate to it on a level I never would have before I came out. I really want to help spread awareness in society about same-sex relationships and hope that some day gay marriage will be legalized. I really wanted to share the video that Shane had made on my facebook page. But I was stunned by how difficult it was for me to just get myself to click the "share" button. I finally did share the story on my facebook page, and then turned to blogger to write about how shocked I was to find myself hesitate to share something that meant a lot to me on my timeline, and was shocked even further to find how difficult it was to write this post about the video itself.

Am I still afraid of being "openly" gay? I didn't think I was. I am sure I am not. I have no problem being openly gay and celebrating love with my girlfriend who means a lot to me. Yet, every now and then, I get caught up in the ten years of my life that I spent in denial, convincing myself that I was wrong, and that I was an abomination and I should be ashamed of myself. I did a good job brainwashing myself that being gay was wrong. Today, I am happy being honest with the people in my life who matter to me the most, but still, there are traces of my denial and hesitance to be open about it to the rest of my extended family and friends.

Like I said, coming out is a process, a journey. And I know soon enough, those ten years of brainwashing that I put myself through will be meaningless and I will be free. But right now, I have to say, life looks so much better and I breathe so much easier knowing I am being true to myself, my family and my friends. Those who truly love me will stay and as for the rest, I shouldn't worry about them, especially because they expect me to be somebody I am not.

Right now, I am the only Indian girl that I know of who is out of the closet. And I try to be openly gay so that if ever another Indian girl goes through the turmoil that I did about my identity, she'll have me to reach out to. Here is hoping that someday, coming out won't be such an arduous process and people will perceive being gay as something just as "natural" as being straight.  

MG strikes again

I have been away from my blog for far too long... again! I have a sneaking suspicion that as time passes, this is going to happen more and more frequently. I don't really ever take the time to sit at a computer and type out a blog post. If I do sit at a computer to type something out, its the rare email that I send to my parents. But lately, I just don't seem to have had the patience to sit and write out anything.

A lot has happened though, over the past few months that I disappeared. In fact, the very night that I wrote my previous blog post was the biggest turning point of my life. That was the night that I had a long conversation over the phone with my parents about who I really am, well, I guess it was more of a monologue because they needed to hear what I had to say before they could respond. Anyways, that was the night that I was completely honest with them and told them that I am in fact gay. Go figure. I suppose I knew this all my life on some level but have always been in denial of the fact. But now its out in the open and almost everybody knows. My parents have been extremely cool and supportive about the whole situation and seem to have been a lot more courageous than I have been. I certainly do wish I had confided this stuff in them earlier, but hey, I needed some time to figure things out myself and come out of the closet on my own terms.

Since then, I have had a couple of heart breaks, like everybody does, except, for me, this was the first time ever in my entire life that I went on a date with somebody. Heart breaks and learning experiences aside, now things seem a lot more stable in my personal life. Facebook has made it especially easy for me to come out to everybody and now I am happy with my wonderful girlfriend (for whom I need to think up of a blog nickname).

Grad school has been a rollercoaster ride. There was the euphoria of publishing my first ever paper. I am the first author on it and I wrote the whole thing!!! So for most part, I guess things are going ok in lab. I am beginning to feel like I could really use a break though. Good thing memorial day weekend is just around the corner.

I've had some new friends come into my life. I am a member of PFLAG Dallas and love going to the meetings, even if I don't talk much. The meetings helped me with my initial struggle, just spending an evening with a bunch of people who understand the situation you are in can make all the difference in the world. I continue to go to the meetings because I hope to be able to help somebody else in much the same way as I was helped, through a show of support.

In short, the past few months have been one heck of a rollercoaster ride in every aspect, but its a ride I'm glad I took, because now I feel so much more comfortable walking in my own shoes and being true to myself and the people I love.

Here to yet another attempt at blogging! Lets see how long this one lasts.

My Fruit Cups!

Yeah, so today's blog post's title is actually an episode title from Scrubs :P Don't judge! I really couldn't help myself. I initially wanted to title it "Cake Walk", but then decided that it wasn't descriptive enough. I considered "My Cake Walk". Sounded very Scrubs-ish. I figured, if I am going to sound like scrubs, might as well go all the way! :)

Enough about the title. On to the post!

So it all started with a conversation I was having this evening with CKR. We were talking about how things have been these past few months for her and for me. She recently shifted labs (no small feat!) and I know its been a rough time for her. But she has finally found a Ph.D home where she feels happy! :D Here's to some amazing doctoral research for her! :D

Anyhoo, it occurred to us during our conversation that for all the bitching that we do, we rarely realize how much the struggles and trials of our life, that are seemingly insurmountable, make life a lot sweeter. I mean, if everything was handed to us on a silver platter, would we value all the things that we have with us?

It got me thinking about my own struggles and the fruit of my efforts (hence the title!). Its not exactly been a cake walk getting to this point. But then again, some of the best cake in the world is the cake that you work hard to bake from scratch by yourself right?

*gets lost in thought, J.D. style!*

- In school I had a math teacher who really inspired me. I HATED math before I was in her class. But after having a talk with her, I realized that I could actually be good at this subject if only I put in the effort! Of course, it was almost too late of a realization because I spent my entire childhood avoiding math and my very basics (addition, subtraction, multiplication, division) were pretty weak. 3 times 3 could be 6 for me! Anyway, ever since my teacher inspired me and challenged me to complete an exam and get 100% of my answers correct. I was in hot pursuit for that elusive perfect score. I tried and tried and tried and tried... for four long years I tried. Exam after exam, I'd get close.... really close... but then lose out on something ridiculously careless. Finally, in my final year of high school, one of the last exams I would ever write in school, when nearly all hope was lost, I managed to get the perfect score! And I will bet you everything I own that nobody else could have been as proud of that exam as my math teacher and I were. We KNEW how difficult it was for me to get to that point! :D

Similarly,

- Worked at my studies for my first semester in college. Got a crappy GPA. Worked smart for the next semester, got tons of As. I valued those As a lot more because I didn't take them for granted :)

- Applied to 13 graduate schools. Got 12 rejection letters. One acceptance letter. I value that single acceptance letter because I know what it feels like to get a rejection letter :)

- Lived with a room mate I couldn't get along with for 2 years. Now I have my own apartment. I value this new found freedom that I have a lot more knowing what its like to live with somebody you don't get along with :)

- Lived in Dallas without a car for a year. Depended a ton on people to drive me to grocery stores to get basic food supplies. I have walked down scary streets to go to the nearest store to find food. I appreciate my car so much more now because I know how crappy life was without it :)

- Did 4 rotations in labs, each one seeming more unlikely than the previous to have funding to support me as a grad student. By the end of my third rotation, I thought I wasn't going to be able to find myself a Ph.D home which could fund me. I value my lab that I work in right now so much, because I almost didn't get in there and I had to fight my way and prove myself to get in :)

- Lived away from home for 2 years. My visit back to India was so unbelievably amazing because I finally understood how hard it really is to live far away from home and how amazing it feels to have family settled close by. It makes a huge difference. I know that now :)

- Didn't have friends for a year and a half so when I did eventually find them, I learnt to appreciate the importance of a good friend a ton more :)

So yeah... moral of the story, no matter how difficult things seem, if you work hard, hang in there and stay true to yourself, everything will sort out and what you get out of that is definitely a lot sweeter than just having everything handed to you :)

Here is the trick though that I am trying to become good at. Once you get stuff that is of value to you, you need to work to keep it so it stays with you!

I had to continue studying hard to keep my GPA up in undergrad, I still had to pass a qualifying exam to stay in the grad school that accepted me, I still am getting used to the responsibilities that come with having my own apartment, I still need to maintain my car regularly so it keeps running, I still need to work hard in lab and produce data to keep proving to everybody and myself that it was worth taking me in as a grad student despite financial problems that come with taking in an international student (funding is low in NIH for international students plus PI has to pay for my visa), I still have to live away from home and be strong so my family has nothing to worry about (shout out to mom and dad - there is nothing to worry about!!! I am happy and I am doing well!!!), and just finding good friends isn't enough, I gotta learn to be a good friend to all my friends who are here in my life.

So.... Here is where I stand

Even though struggling to get stuff in life can sometimes suck, I wouldn't have it any other way. No matter how difficult it gets, when things finally fall in place, I always learn something from it. And when that moment of "enlightenment" hits you, you realize...

Its all worth the wait. Its all worth the struggle :) :) :)

Who am I?

Trust me to get lost in my own thoughts late at night and to come up with a blog post titled "Who am I?"!!! :P Those of you who have stuck with my blog for long enough know that this is nothing out of the ordinary.... MG is famous for her identity crisis posts. I have posts wondering, do I want to go back to India to settle, do I want to stay in science, did I do the right thing coming to Dallas for a Ph.D, etc. Nothing new really.

Except this time it feels different inside of me. Usually when I write an identity crisis post, I am freaking out inside, kinda depressed and overall low. But right now, as I type this out, I am completely alright. I feel very stable, I feel neutral, not depressed, I feel calm. I don't feel worried at all. I know my mom and dad read my blog religiously so here is me telling them not to worry about me, I know I have been busy off late but I am alright, I am doing good and there is nothing to worry about! This is me thinking out loud.

Who am I? For the first time, I actually feel confident answering this. When I opened my laptop to write this post, I thought it was going to be another turmoil-filled post with me concluding I have no idea who I really am. But now, I am typing at the speed of my thoughts and I am pleasantly surprised to see that I know who I am and I am even more surprised to know I feel confident about it.

I am crazy. It is taxing to be my friend. I can be funny, I know I have made people laugh. I feel miserable sometimes about being so far away from home, but more than that, I also know I am the luckiest girl on earth because anytime I feel bad, literally, any time of the day, if I feel bad, I have friends all over this planet who will be in a time zone where they are actually awake, to talk things out with me. If ever there is even a teardrop in my eye, there are people all over the world, who if they found out about it, would worry about me. I am the luckiest girl to have a family in India who understand me, understand my needs and love me and know that I always always will love them with all my heart. So why the heck have I been so insecure? Why the heck have I kept doubting myself? I must be a decent person to have found friends who love me and whom I love.

I know who I am. I can swing from being immature to being kinda adult-ish. But I know who I truly am. I am immature. I have a ton of growing up to do. I've been so busy focusing on people around me that I never stopped to take a look at myself and do what I need to do. Clueless was right all along. I have the capacity in me to be independent and strong. She was right when she said I could grow as a person who needs to solely depend on herself for happiness. I am not there yet but I am getting there.

I know who I am. I know I am capable of being the most selfish person you have ever seen. I know I do that a lot. But I also know that I am capable of change. Its a theme in my life that I used to resent at first but now, its my most favourite thing in the world - change is the only thing constant. And it feels good to FINALLY understand what its like to completely and totally believe in that idea, I have surrendered myself to that concept and tonight, for the first time, I feel free.

I know who I am. I make bad choices all the time. I know I suck at figuring people out. I am horrible at being able to express what I truly feel inside. I know that very often, when I sincerely care about somebody and tell them as much, it can seem like an insincere statement. I know there are a lot of people in my life who are my "friends" because they feel obligated in some way to be my friend. But tonight, for the first time, I feel like I don't really care about any of that. Because I know that the people who truly care about me, no obligations, are the only people I need to be worried about. Today, for the first time, like an epiphany of some sort, I have realized who are the people in my life who are with me because they truly value my friendship and believe in me.

I remember a time, since I got to Dallas, I was always chasing after something, telling myself I needed to acquire something in order to be truly happy.

"Once I settle in a lab, I will be happy. Once I buy a car, I will be happy. Once I get my own apartment, I will be happy. Once I make a trip to India, I will be happy. Once I get a smart phone, I will be happy".

But right now, for the first time in 2 years, I am not chasing anything to be happy. Goodness gracious me, why do I feel so secure in my life all of a sudden????!!!!

I know who I am. And suddenly, every little thing that used to bother me before, doesn't bother me anymore. I can't explain this change. I can't explain why I feel this way. I cannot explain what just happened that made me completely embrace the concept of change and feel blessed to have it in my life. Change, is the best thing ever. Yeah, it meant having to go away from home, it meant having to leave friends behind, but it also meant gaining a sense of security in the love that I get from my family and the friends that truly care. Change means having a chance to start over fresh and make sure you don't make the same mistakes you made the last time.

Life is suddenly exciting to me. Yeah, so what if I am super immature now. So what if I was needy in the past. So what if I was insecure. I don't give a damn.

My life is just starting... and I have a lot of growing up to do!

I am going to do great all on my own :)

Lonely no more!

I am still working on what Clueless had asked me to think about a couple of years ago. Which is, to enjoy my own company and not feel bad if I am sitting around alone at a movie theatre or at a restaurant, but to feel secure in my own company that I find it enjoyable. I managed the watch movie alone in a theatre part of that list, it wasn't a problem at all, especially since the theatre I  chose was my favourite one (with couches and cheap tickets!). But the part, where its me being alone at home, I thought I wasn't making any progress at all, until this weekend happened and I realized something was different.

I haven't been in much human contact this weekend, which is completely out of character. The only forms of contact where over the phone, a few texts, a few phone calls from home and from Madison (CKR!). But otherwise it was me and myself. And no, I wasn't depressed or sad. I actually found I didn't mind my own company!

Saturday morning, I had to come into lab to help out a fellow labmate. She is one of my favourite post docs in lab and she had to be at home with her son, but there were a couple of minor things to do in lab. I volunteered to drive over and help out with the lab stuff so she wouldn't have to come in. After that, cooked some simple indian food for lunch (and dinner) and spent the rest of the day reading my book, watching movies (Hunt for Red October and Life in a Metro). Nothing special. Just your average Saturday, lazing around, watching movies and reading books. It wasn't here that I found a change in my attitude to being on my own...

Come Sunday, I don't know what it was, but gut feeling told me that I would be on my own this day as well. I thought it would bother me, but it didn't! I took precautions anyways and decided I was going to watch something that I liked and something that would make me happy. The choice was "Batman - Under the Red Hood". While watching this, inspiration struck and I spent the rest of the day making trips to the art store and painting and making more trips to the art store as I ran out of supplies. I completed 4 paintings in one afternoon. All while watching the show "Bones".

Now here is the weird part. I feel like I cheated somehow. That I cannot count this weekend as truly me being happy in my own company. I had painting to distract me, for one. Any time I get an idea/inspiration, I get so possessed by it that I can't sit still till the painting is all done. So maybe I was just distracted by it. Here is the crazy part, another part of me that thinks it wasn't the painting that made the difference, it was watching "Bones". I was a fan of the show and have watched all seasons of it. I hadn't watched it in a long long long long time because I knew all the plots and twists and almost always remembered who the bad guy was. But this weekend, I watched Bones again, and now I am sitting at work, and it suddenly occurred to me, did I not feel lonely because in some strange sense, I was "hanging out" with the characters in Bones?

When I had bought Smallville season 4 DVD a few months ago and watched it after what seemed like forever, it was like a reunion with old friends, Clark Kent, Lex Luthor, Chloe and Lana. Watching Bones yesterday, all day long, laughing with the characters and all, made it feel like another reunion.

I know I sound completely crazy. I would create a tag that says "crazy" to label this post but I decided the "Yours weirdly" tag would suffice for now. The term "crazy" is a whole other can of worms that I intend to write about sometime soon here.

So, did I just cheat on the whole "lonely no more" thing? Do I really not mind my own company, or was watching my comfort shows just the methadone to the heroin that is real human company? Or maybe a combination of wanting to paint and watching my comfort shows is what kept my spirits up this weekend?

Whatever be the case, its definitely an improvement from where I stood just a couple of months back. It may not seem like a huge achievement, but it means a lot to me, because I am slowly beginning to believe that, hey, maybe I really can depend on myself. Maybe I do have it in me to take care of myself. And maybe, just maybe, I will keep getting better at being stronger :)

Me, myself and MG

After spending a long time in blogsphere hibernation, I feel the sudden burst of blog topics in my mind. I don't know why. But I know its not very often that I find topics that "click" in my head and translate into a blog post. So... I'm making hay while the sun shines I guess. Writing posts while I feel inspired. Even if that means multiple posts in a day.

My re-entry into the world of blogging doesn't just stop at me reading my own blog posts and writing new ones. I have been blog hopping a lot and reading and catching up with blogs from some of the my friends. Its been fun to read blogs of people you know personally because their blog sort of gives a glimpse into what is going on in their minds.

But thats the thing about blogging for some of us right? I know there are blogs dedicated to special topics, like painting, movie reviews etc etc. But those of us that blog about life in general, tend to be kinda self-obsessed, self-centric in our posts. Its all about what I did today, what I was thinking, what happened to me years ago, funny incident that happened when I was around. Me, myself and MG.

So how appropriate is my blog title... "life as WE know it".....?

Really? Nope, not really. Its life as I know it.

It sounds kinda... I dont know... is selfish an appropriate term? Selfish to blog only about whats going on in my life.

But hey, as a blogger who has been around for 6 years, I can guarantee you its therapeutic, so not such a bad thing! Maybe its ok to be thinking about life as it revolves around me for a bit. Maybe its ok to analyze my life for a bit here. Because I know a few years down the line, when I look back at my archive and read my posts, I will see how far I have gone.

So here is the deal....

I love this blog page. I have taken as good care as it as I can. Its a sort of home to me. And I treat it like that. I try to keep it neat and well-maintained. yeah, once in a while, I forget to dust the cobwebs. But I always seem to come back to bring it back in shape! I chose my template with great care, I personalized everything on this page to suit me best. I know I don't get as many comments these days as I used to a few years ago, but I also find that this does not distress me. I am happy if people read my posts but I am also ok if people don't. Until recently, I didn't even know I had followers! I am not going to monetize my blog, that is not its purpose. My blog caters to me, my thoughts, my experiences. And I love the function it has in my life! Its like a friend that is always there, not judging me when I forget to write once in a while, but always happy to see me come back! :)

I suddenly feel self-conscious of thinking out aloud here, all serious and what not :P

Here is my prediction...

I am going to be spending the next I dunno how many hours, trying to think of a funny or semi-funny post to write so that I can publish that and push this post in my archives :P

Forward march!

So, I have been indulging in one of my favourite things to do on the internet, reading blogs! And recently, apart from my sporadic posts, I have become a lot more aware of my own blog and what it holds.


It all started with a friend, who has never been featured in my blog before, and whom I shall call Andy from here on :) She got around to visiting my blog and reading some of my earlier posts, and as and when she was reading, she'd say something about the post on my gtalk chat window, which made me realize what she was upto! So I started re-reading my earlier posts, just to look at my blog from a fresh perspective. And as I was doing that, I stumbled across a post I had written in December 2009. Just before New Years. And I found this list of things that I wanted to have done.


Now, it gives me great pleasure to feature the list once again on my blog and proudly claim my achievements! 

- Get an American Driver's license
Failed twice but third time was indeed the charm! Got my license to kill drive

- Own a car (woohoo! can't wait!)
I am currently the proud owner of a 2003 Hyundai Elantra! His name is Aryan :)

- Get a couple of credit cards (my first ever ones... I am growing up!)
After a couple of rejections, I did manage to accomplish this as well! Now I really wish the credit card companies would stop sending me mails :-/

- Settle in a lab that will be my home for the next 5 years
Getting my PhD in a lab studying Adult Neurogenesis! So yeah, I found me a PhD home :)


- Settle in a program in the university that I will graduate under
Um... ok... I did that... but... um... not to proud to mention which program I selected so lets just say.. mission accomplished :P :P :P

- Complete a good chunk of my qualifying exam proposal (if not all of it!)
Ph.D candidate in da house!!! :D :D :D

- Get more furniture in my apartment and settle down properly into my apartment
I moved into a brand new single bedroom apartment in a very pretty neighbourhood! And I did manage to get furniture! Thanks to Andy, I have an awesome bed, I bought a couch from a lab mate who is moving out of Texas, got a free TV from another lab mate, bought an xbox, kitchen is getting stocked up quite rapidly thanks to Andy and soon, she will help me put up some paintings and sketches of mine on the walls to complete the pretty apartment! :)

- No longer call this place "my apartment" and call it "home" instead
It is my home now :) I love it to bits! Especially when I have my friends over! :D :D :D 

- Travel to at least 3-4 places outside of Dallas (at least 2 outside Texas)
Wisconsin, New York, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Illinois.... so far...!! And loads of travelling within Texas! :D :D :D

- At least one of the above mentioned travels should be a road trip in my own car
With mom and dad when they came to visit. We drove to Austin, San Antonio, Canyon Lake... in my very own car!!! Aryan!!! :D


In addition to this list, I am doing a lot of other cool things that I used to keep angsting and whining about on this blog. I now have steady hobbies, I paint a lot, sketch, knit once in a while and I do read books, not as much as I would like to, but at least it isn't an absolute zero the way it used to be! :)


So 2 years in Dallas, where do I stand?


Wherever it is, I'd say its a pretty good place to be :) 


I am happy :)

Still waters don't always run deep!

When I was a kid, stuff on sun signs was a big fascination among my friends. And everybody loved it that I was a Capricorn. For several years I was told that all the traits a Capricorn is supposed to have (and which they are impressed by) are traits that I possess. Apparently, my friends thought I was practical, rational, independent and basically the "strong and silent" types. They were spot on about the "silent" type! But one key adage associated with a Capricorn was... "Still waters run deep". Nope, still waters don't always run deep. They sometimes "stagnate" and its been a key feature of my life for some time now.

The first person to use the word "stagnate" to describe something about me was.... eek!... my boss!!! That was a nightmare in its own right! Well, here is the background story. I manage 3 projects in lab and I love 2 of them to bits! But the third one is a bit iffy.... its a left-over project from an old collaboration we had on a protein that I do no believe is responsible for affecting neurogenesis (the topic our lab focusses on). Now our collaborator lab is closing down and is destroying their transgenic mice. I needed tissue from them to complete the study which obviously, I don't have anymore! So excuse me if my enthusiasm for this project is not very high!

Ironically, some of the best data that I have collected since I joined the lab was on this one project that I am so resentful towards. My first committee meeting focussed on this project and a ton of questions were asked that I could not answer. This was 4 months ago. Now 4 months later, I can kinda sorta answer my committee's questions and concerns, but the care factor is still pretty low. So its not surprising that  my boss pointed out (and rightly so) that my knowledge in this particular protein and its relation to neurogenesis is "stagnant". It really is, I haven't bothered to study it, I am guilty of what she accuses me of.

Its almost time for me to go to India. In 48 hours, I will be at JFK, waiting to board my flight back home. Its been two years since I returned. As excited as I am about going back, I have been forced to stop for a minute and examine myself and how far I have come. At this point, I found the word "stagnant" pretty descriptive of the situation I am in.

Here is how I should have progressed over the past couple of years - after an initial bumpy stage of settling into a new country and a new life, I should have gotten a handle of how things work in life, how to live on my own, how to cook and provide for myself, how to be strong and courageous, be there for the few friends I have here and overall, be a good person.

Here is how I really am - Still settling into a new country but am in denial that I am still figuring things out, I want to believe that I know what I am doing, but I have no clue. I still have no idea how things work in life, I live on my own but I haven't figured out how to be strong enough to enjoy it, I barely cook and barely manage to take care of myself. I am not strong, I am not courageous. I have been a good friend to the few friends I have here but not a perfect friend. Am I a good person overall? I dunno, I feel like I am still the same person who set foot outside her home in India for the first time, 6 years ago - an angsty teenager who is bitter about how life is so "unfair" and whining about how it sucks to be alone and wallowing in self-pity.

So have my travels made me grow? Am I returning home to my family a better person?

Even today, when things go bad and I feel depressed or lonely, I can't seem to take care of myself. I need to call my mom or dad or Clueless and talk to one of them. I still need support to lean on. I never figured out how to apply the single best advice I have received ever... and its from clueless... she always says... "Don't think about it".

Four simple words, one profound truth. The more I think about things, the more terrible they seem. The more I brood, the more hopeless the situation becomes.

Well, hopefully when I get back after my vacation and start life here again, I will make some progress and change into the person I want to be. Life is not so bad. I am blessed. And someday I will learn to derive happiness from this knowledge :)

Move along, moving along

My life is currently positioned in such a way that a lot of things will change dramatically over the next few weeks. Of course, it goes without saying, that I will have my qualifying exam in 3 days. Am I worried about it? Nah. Terrified? HELL YEAH!!!! I gave a mock presentation today. I said "I don't know" more number of times than I care to admit.

But in other news, I have finally signed a lease for a single bedroom apartment. But  not in the same apartment complex I am living in right now. Right now, its just a 5 min walk to lab. After I move, it will  be a 15 min drive everyday (or an hour by train, if I choose to ride it). While at first I was really excited about this new development, now I am not so sure about it. The apartment looks nice, the neighbourhood is amazing and super safe. All the stores are located within walking distance. The community has a lot of swimming pools, fountains, jogging trails, a duck pond, you name it, you'll find it! So I should be still super excited right?

But I am not. I am super apprehensive. Kinda nervous. This is the first time I will be living without a room mate. I know, I know, NUS had single rooms and I was living in my own room there. But I was always surrounded by these gang of friends who never let it seem like I was living on my own. It was a family of friends, a family away from home. But now, I won't have such a thing. As much as my current room mate and I disagree on things, one thing that's always let me feel a little less lonely, is knowing there is another presence in the apartment. What'll I have at my new place? Probably a good TV, if I feel like it, an Xbox 360, a comfortable couch to relax on, a kitchen that is mine, all mine to take care of and a beautiful balcony that is twice as big as the one in the apartment I am currently living in. I will have a neighbourhood, where its safe to go out for a walk in the evening by the duck pond and watch the children feed the ducks. I can pick any swimming pool I want in the community to hang out at, to just sit back and relax. It all sounds like a dream come true. Except, I am beginning to learn, that material things just don't matter to me now anymore. So what if I have awesome stuff in the apartment. So what if there are so many places to hang out at? It'll all feel so much nicer if I had somebody to share it with, somebody to hang out with. Every once in a while, I guess life needs to remind me that money cannot buy happiness and companionship. But I guess till that day, money is just going to have to try as hard as it can.

I'll tell you what money can buy, tickets to go back home and visit mom and dad! yay! I'll be going back to India after 2 whole years!

Friendship's day special :)

To all my dearest friends

People here often remark that it must be hard for me to be living in the US while all of my closest friends are separated from me by distance (and by an insane time difference!). They feel sorry for me because they have their friends right here in this very country for them to go to everytime they have a problem and to make themselves feel better.

I have been through my very own personal hell over the past few months. But I don't feel sorry for myself, the way my friends here feel for me. Because at the end of my first year here, I've realized that I am never alone :) Time and distance don't matter, my best friends have been there for me when I needed them most.

Girls, thank you for being there for me :) I know that we are together not because of convenience, not because we have to, but because we mean something to each other. I know that even if we don't talk to each other for months together, the next time we pick up the phone, we will be able to pick up from where we left off! :)

Here's to an awesome bond I share with you :)

Happy Friendship's Day!!

Yours,
MG

Eat, Pray, Love

Now there is a movie that I know for sure I will watch when it comes out. And read the book too. The past one year has been pretty dramatic for me, in every sense of the word. And now I feel sick and tired of the theatrics and just want a normal, uneventful life. Everything that I have learnt from all the ups and downs of the past year can be summed up into these three words for me to follow for the coming year.

Eat

I have spent the past one year trying to take care of way too many things, getting tensed all the time and just refusing to settle. It took me a lot of stress to decide on a lab, find an affordable car, learn the ways of taxes and finance, find friends and basically, get into a groove that suits me best. In all the tension, I forgot to take care of myself. To the extent that I cannot recognize the girl staring back at me from the mirror. My first lesson for the year is to learn to give myself the first and biggest priority, to take good care of myself and keep myself happy and satisfied. Because unless I am happy, there is no way in hell people are going to want to hang out with me. This coming year (I think in terms of academic years, not calendar years!) is completely dedicated to me. I know it sounds selfish, but in this fast paced world of grad school, unless I start looking out for myself and looking after myself, I am going to get trampled on pretty soon.

Pray

I am confident that my lab work will keep me busy for as long as I want it to. There is always stuff to be done. I could work here for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and still have stuff to do. What I am not sure about is whether I will stop to give myself some time to relax, unwind and connect with myself, recharge for the coming day. Over the past one year, I have robbed myself of my peace of mind, and always found somebody other than me to blame it on. The truth is, nobody but me is to blame for every second I spent feeling miserable. This coming year, I will find time for myself, for doing the things I love best, for living life outside of work the way that makes me the happiest. Nobody can make me feel low unless I let what they say affect me. I will devote time to gather my thoughts, stay collected and will definitely learn to grow up as and when needed :) I don't want to find myself behaving like a 80 year old any more than I want to find myself behaving like an 8 year old :P

Love

I am not quite sure what to say about this. Except for I have learnt a hard lesson that trust is not something I will invest in anybody unless they have truly earned it. And to earn my trust (thereby my affection) is going to be a hard task for all those who will subsequently enter my life (and perhaps for some of those who are already a part of my life). This doesn't mean that I am going to be distant or aloof from the world. I will still be a girl with a good sense of humour, a healthy sense of sarcasm and lots of people to hang out with, its just not necessary that I will feel a sense of attachment to them. Everybody who knows me in this world laughs when I say this, but its going to be different this time. Yes, there will be plenty of love in my life, but only for those who have earned it  :)

I don't need to spend thousands of dollars to spend time in Italy, India and Indonesia to learn what Elizabeth Gilbert learnt. I just need the next one year and my routine life in grad school :)

Then I will use those thousands of dollars that I saved to buy me a new car :P :P :P just kidding! :)

Change - The only thing constant

Dear Friend,

And the beat goes on... we've had joy, we've had fun, we've had seasons in the sun! And somehow, we have finally reached the day my blog reaches its 200th post :) remember when I started off, I didn't even know if I'd go past 50. I have written four times as much and it doesn't seem like its going to end anytime soon. Sure, this blog has had its periods of hyperactiveness, sometimes it goes into hibernation mode, but through thick and thin, this has been MY BLOG, my friend, my everything! This is where I come for guidance, somehow writing here makes my thoughts a lot clearer...

This blog has also been awesome for me to get into a bit of introspection. I know too much of it is bad for my health (:P), but this has been just the right amount. This blog has seen me grow out of my insecurities and become the person I am today. I started off as a fresh undergrad in Singapore, today I am a graduate student in USA! I have come a long way! This blog has heard me think out aloud about my career options and every other thing in my life. If anybody has the patience to read all my posts, I think its safe to assume that that person will know a great deal about me!

This blog also saw me finding an awesome friend in Singapore and making all the right choices (amidst all the mistakes) and today my blog knows how much I miss that special friend. I miss you a lot. I miss our gang and somehow wish I could turn back time and relive all our amazing moments.

More than anything, that's the main reason why this blog is awesome for me. All I need to do is take a trip down to the vault... and voila, I am there with you again! This is why I blog, my dear friend, so that several years down the line, I will be able to re-live every precious moment of my life.

And its all thanks to you that I have this wonderful treasure with me...

Here's to another 200 posts and more!

Love,
MG

New experiments

I have heard people say that those who work in lab usually make good cooks. Especially chemists and biochemists.

I have realised that's kinda true :P Atleast I love my own cooking! And the best part, I find cooking so easy! Its probably because I treat the recipes like protocols. And cooking is just another lab experiment for me where I optimize the conditions for the best results.

The biggest and the most awesome difference between lab work and kitchen work is...

At the end of cooking, I get to eat my experiment :P :P :D :D :D

You Love, You Learn

I have learnt, in the past one week, that the hardest thing to do, or rather what defines your trust in a relationship/friendship, is not divulging your deepest, darkest secrets of your past and present... its not about sharing secrets and all, its putting your heart on the line, sorta tearing it out to show the person how much love is there in you.... its what makes a person most vulnerable in a relationship, to have revealed all the affection, not knowing what you are going to get back in return...

Its extremely risky. I am beginning to wonder if its even worth it... is there really any point to being an expressive person. Right now it seems like an expressive person, if not careful, stands to lose a lot more than other people in terms of relationships and friendship. A person capable of expressing well has a higher chance of having his/her feelings hurt.

I am a very expressive person... and have often found it to be a big disadvantage. Its not been easy for me or the people around me. Maybe it won't be such a bad idea to mellow down on expressing sensitive issues and thinking twice about stuff... Yeah... I think its the best thing for me... for now....

Graduate school.... AT LAST! :D

There is no other way to say this than to say it directly....


ALL MY EFFORT HAS PAID OFF AND I'VE GOTTEN AN ACCEPTANCE LETTER FROM ONE OF THE GRAD SCHOOLS I APPLIED TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D

OOOOHHHH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*tries to recover from the shock*

OH MY GOD! I HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED INTO GRAD SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PH.D!! LIKE... WOW!!!!!!!!! AWESOME!

Ok, I don't know what else to say...

except that.... HARD WORK PAYS! YEAH BABY! :D

OMG.... OMG... OMG.... THIS IS SO AWESOME..... I CAN'T STOP JUMPING.... OH MY GOD!!!!

We Remain Divided: Mumbai attacked again

No, I haven't gone insane. If anything, everything seems very clear and sadly absurd. I'm bang in the middle of my exam week. When I print out my lecture notes, I get them in black and white. I can't decipher certain diagrams because they depend on color to differentiate between different kinds of cells. Those times, I open my browser and get the notes online to try and understand stuff better. That's what I was trying to do a few minutes back.

My default page for IE is msn.com. When I opened my browser, this is what I saw

Death Toll Rises in Mumbai Terror Attacks

I was stunned for a moment. Only last night msn.com home page was flashing ideas for the holiday season and parenting advice. In just 12 hours, its flashing the news of the death of a 101 people in the commercial capital of India. With a slide show of "the horror in Mumbai". Police suspect its an Islamic group and the rescued hostages say they were targeting Americans and Britons.

Why does the average man become the target of attacks? What's the point the terrorists are trying to make? Why bomb a hotel that houses some law making delegation? Then go on to "spray" bullets at the Chatrapathi Shivaji Terminal? People were asking similiar questions just a few years ago. Why kill hundreds of innocent commuters who are just trying to get home after a long day at office? Why bombs the Mumbai trains?

It doesn't seem absurd to follow different religions. It just reflects that we are all different in our thoughts and beliefs. It just seems damn absurd and silly when we fight over whose ideals are better and whose religion deserves to prevail. When Gandhi was shot, before the confirmation arrived that it was a Hindu who shot him, I bet all the Muslims were ducking for cover because they knew the blame would fall on them whether or not it was their fault. 60 years down the line and nothing seems to have changed. Seriously, why do we fight in the name of religion? And territories? Why are we fighting about Masjids and Ram Mandirs? Don't we realise we are strangling the life out of Kashmir by fighting over it? Why is there a constant clash of the castes in my state? It seems such a pity that blood is shed all over our nation (and all over the world) over things that don't even matter anymore.

We keep fooling ourselves that things are getting better. India sent a rocket to the moon. That's great news. We are advancing scientifically, but why do we stop with that? We boast about a unity that doesn't seem to exist.

Maybe that unity does exist. We saw during the Gujarat earthquake, the 2004 tsunami and other such disasters. The world united to help recover from these natural disasters. Maybe there does.

Major Attacks in India since 2005

Nov. 26, 2008:
Series of shooting and grenade attacks, including two on luxury hotels, kill at least 78 people and wound 100 in Mumbai, India's main commercial city.
Sept. 13, 2008:
At least five explosions in crowded shopping areas kill 21 and wound 100 in New Delhi, national capital.
July 26, 2008:
Some 16 small bombs explode in Ahmedabad, killing 45.
July 25, 2008:
Seven small bombs kill two in Bangalore, hub of India's technology industry.
May 13, 2008:
Seven bombs hit crowded markets and streets outside Hindu temples in Jaipur, killing 80.
Nov. 24, 2007:
Nearly simultaneous explosions rip courthouse complexes in Lucknow, Varanasi and Faizabad, killing 16.
Aug. 25, 2007:
Forty-three people killed by three explosions at park and street-side food stall in Hyderabad.
May 18, 2007:
Bomb during Friday prayers at historic mosque in Hyderabad kills 11 worshippers. Police later fatally shoot five people during clashes with Muslims protesting attack.
Feb. 19, 2007:
Train heading from India to Pakistan torn apart by two bombs, sparking fire that kills 68.
July 11, 2006:
Seven blasts rip through rail stations and commuter trains in Mumbai, killing 187.March 7, 2006:
Three explosions rock Hindu temple and train station in Hindu holy city of Varanasi, killing 20.
Oct. 29, 2005:
Sixty-two people killed by three blasts at markets in New Delhi ahead of Hindu holiday of Diwali.

How am I supposed to believe in unity in the light of this nonsense.

Cancer and AIDS are the least of our problems. Somehow it just seems that after all these years, all these decades and all these centuries, after all the loved ones we have lost at war, after all the dreams we shattered trying to build a new one, after all our sacrifices, after depleting half of our natural resources in war, after everything we have been through...

We still remain divided.