My Fruit Cups!

Yeah, so today's blog post's title is actually an episode title from Scrubs :P Don't judge! I really couldn't help myself. I initially wanted to title it "Cake Walk", but then decided that it wasn't descriptive enough. I considered "My Cake Walk". Sounded very Scrubs-ish. I figured, if I am going to sound like scrubs, might as well go all the way! :)

Enough about the title. On to the post!

So it all started with a conversation I was having this evening with CKR. We were talking about how things have been these past few months for her and for me. She recently shifted labs (no small feat!) and I know its been a rough time for her. But she has finally found a Ph.D home where she feels happy! :D Here's to some amazing doctoral research for her! :D

Anyhoo, it occurred to us during our conversation that for all the bitching that we do, we rarely realize how much the struggles and trials of our life, that are seemingly insurmountable, make life a lot sweeter. I mean, if everything was handed to us on a silver platter, would we value all the things that we have with us?

It got me thinking about my own struggles and the fruit of my efforts (hence the title!). Its not exactly been a cake walk getting to this point. But then again, some of the best cake in the world is the cake that you work hard to bake from scratch by yourself right?

*gets lost in thought, J.D. style!*

- In school I had a math teacher who really inspired me. I HATED math before I was in her class. But after having a talk with her, I realized that I could actually be good at this subject if only I put in the effort! Of course, it was almost too late of a realization because I spent my entire childhood avoiding math and my very basics (addition, subtraction, multiplication, division) were pretty weak. 3 times 3 could be 6 for me! Anyway, ever since my teacher inspired me and challenged me to complete an exam and get 100% of my answers correct. I was in hot pursuit for that elusive perfect score. I tried and tried and tried and tried... for four long years I tried. Exam after exam, I'd get close.... really close... but then lose out on something ridiculously careless. Finally, in my final year of high school, one of the last exams I would ever write in school, when nearly all hope was lost, I managed to get the perfect score! And I will bet you everything I own that nobody else could have been as proud of that exam as my math teacher and I were. We KNEW how difficult it was for me to get to that point! :D

Similarly,

- Worked at my studies for my first semester in college. Got a crappy GPA. Worked smart for the next semester, got tons of As. I valued those As a lot more because I didn't take them for granted :)

- Applied to 13 graduate schools. Got 12 rejection letters. One acceptance letter. I value that single acceptance letter because I know what it feels like to get a rejection letter :)

- Lived with a room mate I couldn't get along with for 2 years. Now I have my own apartment. I value this new found freedom that I have a lot more knowing what its like to live with somebody you don't get along with :)

- Lived in Dallas without a car for a year. Depended a ton on people to drive me to grocery stores to get basic food supplies. I have walked down scary streets to go to the nearest store to find food. I appreciate my car so much more now because I know how crappy life was without it :)

- Did 4 rotations in labs, each one seeming more unlikely than the previous to have funding to support me as a grad student. By the end of my third rotation, I thought I wasn't going to be able to find myself a Ph.D home which could fund me. I value my lab that I work in right now so much, because I almost didn't get in there and I had to fight my way and prove myself to get in :)

- Lived away from home for 2 years. My visit back to India was so unbelievably amazing because I finally understood how hard it really is to live far away from home and how amazing it feels to have family settled close by. It makes a huge difference. I know that now :)

- Didn't have friends for a year and a half so when I did eventually find them, I learnt to appreciate the importance of a good friend a ton more :)

So yeah... moral of the story, no matter how difficult things seem, if you work hard, hang in there and stay true to yourself, everything will sort out and what you get out of that is definitely a lot sweeter than just having everything handed to you :)

Here is the trick though that I am trying to become good at. Once you get stuff that is of value to you, you need to work to keep it so it stays with you!

I had to continue studying hard to keep my GPA up in undergrad, I still had to pass a qualifying exam to stay in the grad school that accepted me, I still am getting used to the responsibilities that come with having my own apartment, I still need to maintain my car regularly so it keeps running, I still need to work hard in lab and produce data to keep proving to everybody and myself that it was worth taking me in as a grad student despite financial problems that come with taking in an international student (funding is low in NIH for international students plus PI has to pay for my visa), I still have to live away from home and be strong so my family has nothing to worry about (shout out to mom and dad - there is nothing to worry about!!! I am happy and I am doing well!!!), and just finding good friends isn't enough, I gotta learn to be a good friend to all my friends who are here in my life.

So.... Here is where I stand

Even though struggling to get stuff in life can sometimes suck, I wouldn't have it any other way. No matter how difficult it gets, when things finally fall in place, I always learn something from it. And when that moment of "enlightenment" hits you, you realize...

Its all worth the wait. Its all worth the struggle :) :) :)

Lonely no more!

I am still working on what Clueless had asked me to think about a couple of years ago. Which is, to enjoy my own company and not feel bad if I am sitting around alone at a movie theatre or at a restaurant, but to feel secure in my own company that I find it enjoyable. I managed the watch movie alone in a theatre part of that list, it wasn't a problem at all, especially since the theatre I  chose was my favourite one (with couches and cheap tickets!). But the part, where its me being alone at home, I thought I wasn't making any progress at all, until this weekend happened and I realized something was different.

I haven't been in much human contact this weekend, which is completely out of character. The only forms of contact where over the phone, a few texts, a few phone calls from home and from Madison (CKR!). But otherwise it was me and myself. And no, I wasn't depressed or sad. I actually found I didn't mind my own company!

Saturday morning, I had to come into lab to help out a fellow labmate. She is one of my favourite post docs in lab and she had to be at home with her son, but there were a couple of minor things to do in lab. I volunteered to drive over and help out with the lab stuff so she wouldn't have to come in. After that, cooked some simple indian food for lunch (and dinner) and spent the rest of the day reading my book, watching movies (Hunt for Red October and Life in a Metro). Nothing special. Just your average Saturday, lazing around, watching movies and reading books. It wasn't here that I found a change in my attitude to being on my own...

Come Sunday, I don't know what it was, but gut feeling told me that I would be on my own this day as well. I thought it would bother me, but it didn't! I took precautions anyways and decided I was going to watch something that I liked and something that would make me happy. The choice was "Batman - Under the Red Hood". While watching this, inspiration struck and I spent the rest of the day making trips to the art store and painting and making more trips to the art store as I ran out of supplies. I completed 4 paintings in one afternoon. All while watching the show "Bones".

Now here is the weird part. I feel like I cheated somehow. That I cannot count this weekend as truly me being happy in my own company. I had painting to distract me, for one. Any time I get an idea/inspiration, I get so possessed by it that I can't sit still till the painting is all done. So maybe I was just distracted by it. Here is the crazy part, another part of me that thinks it wasn't the painting that made the difference, it was watching "Bones". I was a fan of the show and have watched all seasons of it. I hadn't watched it in a long long long long time because I knew all the plots and twists and almost always remembered who the bad guy was. But this weekend, I watched Bones again, and now I am sitting at work, and it suddenly occurred to me, did I not feel lonely because in some strange sense, I was "hanging out" with the characters in Bones?

When I had bought Smallville season 4 DVD a few months ago and watched it after what seemed like forever, it was like a reunion with old friends, Clark Kent, Lex Luthor, Chloe and Lana. Watching Bones yesterday, all day long, laughing with the characters and all, made it feel like another reunion.

I know I sound completely crazy. I would create a tag that says "crazy" to label this post but I decided the "Yours weirdly" tag would suffice for now. The term "crazy" is a whole other can of worms that I intend to write about sometime soon here.

So, did I just cheat on the whole "lonely no more" thing? Do I really not mind my own company, or was watching my comfort shows just the methadone to the heroin that is real human company? Or maybe a combination of wanting to paint and watching my comfort shows is what kept my spirits up this weekend?

Whatever be the case, its definitely an improvement from where I stood just a couple of months back. It may not seem like a huge achievement, but it means a lot to me, because I am slowly beginning to believe that, hey, maybe I really can depend on myself. Maybe I do have it in me to take care of myself. And maybe, just maybe, I will keep getting better at being stronger :)

Me, myself and MG

After spending a long time in blogsphere hibernation, I feel the sudden burst of blog topics in my mind. I don't know why. But I know its not very often that I find topics that "click" in my head and translate into a blog post. So... I'm making hay while the sun shines I guess. Writing posts while I feel inspired. Even if that means multiple posts in a day.

My re-entry into the world of blogging doesn't just stop at me reading my own blog posts and writing new ones. I have been blog hopping a lot and reading and catching up with blogs from some of the my friends. Its been fun to read blogs of people you know personally because their blog sort of gives a glimpse into what is going on in their minds.

But thats the thing about blogging for some of us right? I know there are blogs dedicated to special topics, like painting, movie reviews etc etc. But those of us that blog about life in general, tend to be kinda self-obsessed, self-centric in our posts. Its all about what I did today, what I was thinking, what happened to me years ago, funny incident that happened when I was around. Me, myself and MG.

So how appropriate is my blog title... "life as WE know it".....?

Really? Nope, not really. Its life as I know it.

It sounds kinda... I dont know... is selfish an appropriate term? Selfish to blog only about whats going on in my life.

But hey, as a blogger who has been around for 6 years, I can guarantee you its therapeutic, so not such a bad thing! Maybe its ok to be thinking about life as it revolves around me for a bit. Maybe its ok to analyze my life for a bit here. Because I know a few years down the line, when I look back at my archive and read my posts, I will see how far I have gone.

So here is the deal....

I love this blog page. I have taken as good care as it as I can. Its a sort of home to me. And I treat it like that. I try to keep it neat and well-maintained. yeah, once in a while, I forget to dust the cobwebs. But I always seem to come back to bring it back in shape! I chose my template with great care, I personalized everything on this page to suit me best. I know I don't get as many comments these days as I used to a few years ago, but I also find that this does not distress me. I am happy if people read my posts but I am also ok if people don't. Until recently, I didn't even know I had followers! I am not going to monetize my blog, that is not its purpose. My blog caters to me, my thoughts, my experiences. And I love the function it has in my life! Its like a friend that is always there, not judging me when I forget to write once in a while, but always happy to see me come back! :)

I suddenly feel self-conscious of thinking out aloud here, all serious and what not :P

Here is my prediction...

I am going to be spending the next I dunno how many hours, trying to think of a funny or semi-funny post to write so that I can publish that and push this post in my archives :P

Still waters don't always run deep!

When I was a kid, stuff on sun signs was a big fascination among my friends. And everybody loved it that I was a Capricorn. For several years I was told that all the traits a Capricorn is supposed to have (and which they are impressed by) are traits that I possess. Apparently, my friends thought I was practical, rational, independent and basically the "strong and silent" types. They were spot on about the "silent" type! But one key adage associated with a Capricorn was... "Still waters run deep". Nope, still waters don't always run deep. They sometimes "stagnate" and its been a key feature of my life for some time now.

The first person to use the word "stagnate" to describe something about me was.... eek!... my boss!!! That was a nightmare in its own right! Well, here is the background story. I manage 3 projects in lab and I love 2 of them to bits! But the third one is a bit iffy.... its a left-over project from an old collaboration we had on a protein that I do no believe is responsible for affecting neurogenesis (the topic our lab focusses on). Now our collaborator lab is closing down and is destroying their transgenic mice. I needed tissue from them to complete the study which obviously, I don't have anymore! So excuse me if my enthusiasm for this project is not very high!

Ironically, some of the best data that I have collected since I joined the lab was on this one project that I am so resentful towards. My first committee meeting focussed on this project and a ton of questions were asked that I could not answer. This was 4 months ago. Now 4 months later, I can kinda sorta answer my committee's questions and concerns, but the care factor is still pretty low. So its not surprising that  my boss pointed out (and rightly so) that my knowledge in this particular protein and its relation to neurogenesis is "stagnant". It really is, I haven't bothered to study it, I am guilty of what she accuses me of.

Its almost time for me to go to India. In 48 hours, I will be at JFK, waiting to board my flight back home. Its been two years since I returned. As excited as I am about going back, I have been forced to stop for a minute and examine myself and how far I have come. At this point, I found the word "stagnant" pretty descriptive of the situation I am in.

Here is how I should have progressed over the past couple of years - after an initial bumpy stage of settling into a new country and a new life, I should have gotten a handle of how things work in life, how to live on my own, how to cook and provide for myself, how to be strong and courageous, be there for the few friends I have here and overall, be a good person.

Here is how I really am - Still settling into a new country but am in denial that I am still figuring things out, I want to believe that I know what I am doing, but I have no clue. I still have no idea how things work in life, I live on my own but I haven't figured out how to be strong enough to enjoy it, I barely cook and barely manage to take care of myself. I am not strong, I am not courageous. I have been a good friend to the few friends I have here but not a perfect friend. Am I a good person overall? I dunno, I feel like I am still the same person who set foot outside her home in India for the first time, 6 years ago - an angsty teenager who is bitter about how life is so "unfair" and whining about how it sucks to be alone and wallowing in self-pity.

So have my travels made me grow? Am I returning home to my family a better person?

Even today, when things go bad and I feel depressed or lonely, I can't seem to take care of myself. I need to call my mom or dad or Clueless and talk to one of them. I still need support to lean on. I never figured out how to apply the single best advice I have received ever... and its from clueless... she always says... "Don't think about it".

Four simple words, one profound truth. The more I think about things, the more terrible they seem. The more I brood, the more hopeless the situation becomes.

Well, hopefully when I get back after my vacation and start life here again, I will make some progress and change into the person I want to be. Life is not so bad. I am blessed. And someday I will learn to derive happiness from this knowledge :)

Far away for far too long

Ever since I bought my car, Dallas has become a very magical city to me. Lots of people give me weird stares when I say I actually started liking the city. Because apparently the general population doesn't like Dallas. People live here because they were born and brought up here or the job was too good to resist. But nobody moves from another place specifically to Dallas if they have another choice.

While it is true that I came here because I didn't have a choice, and it is true I hated it till I got the car, I did have a change of heart ever since. Dallas is an amazing place for a food junkie like me who loves trying out different cuisines for affordable rates. Cost of living is cheap, everything is accessible by car, the city is very well planned. And the medical center, best place to do science!!!! :) So yeah, I love my job, I love the city.

Sometimes its easy to forget that its been a year and a half since I set foot in my own country. Especially for somebody like me, my parents had come to visit me for summer.

But the weight of the whole situation hit me when I was browsing facebook and saw that some of my old school friends had been to my home town recently and had a blast! It was so cool to see pics of them after so many years and realize none of them has really changed. It brings back a truck load of memories, looking at them posing at school, in front of our old classrooms where we stood 6 years ago in our olive green uniform, in front of the ice cream shop we were banned from going to as school kids, at the grounds where we held all our sports events, and all around the city that I have grown up in and have loved always.

Singapore was still alright, it was just a 3 hour flight away. I know some of my friends who went to different parts of India to study who had a much longer commute back home by train. So Singapore was cool, a perfect balance of science (not as good as I would like it to be) and closeness to home.

Sometimes I wonder, if in the pursuit for the perfect science career, I wandered too far away from home... I am madly in love with my job, yes. But I am never around for reunions with family and friends. All I get to do is see pictures on facebook and hear about how I was missed.

Did I do the right thing choosing science over family and friends? Did I do the right thing choosing food for thought rather than food for heart?

I've been away from my country... far away for far too long

Eat, Pray, Love

Now there is a movie that I know for sure I will watch when it comes out. And read the book too. The past one year has been pretty dramatic for me, in every sense of the word. And now I feel sick and tired of the theatrics and just want a normal, uneventful life. Everything that I have learnt from all the ups and downs of the past year can be summed up into these three words for me to follow for the coming year.

Eat

I have spent the past one year trying to take care of way too many things, getting tensed all the time and just refusing to settle. It took me a lot of stress to decide on a lab, find an affordable car, learn the ways of taxes and finance, find friends and basically, get into a groove that suits me best. In all the tension, I forgot to take care of myself. To the extent that I cannot recognize the girl staring back at me from the mirror. My first lesson for the year is to learn to give myself the first and biggest priority, to take good care of myself and keep myself happy and satisfied. Because unless I am happy, there is no way in hell people are going to want to hang out with me. This coming year (I think in terms of academic years, not calendar years!) is completely dedicated to me. I know it sounds selfish, but in this fast paced world of grad school, unless I start looking out for myself and looking after myself, I am going to get trampled on pretty soon.

Pray

I am confident that my lab work will keep me busy for as long as I want it to. There is always stuff to be done. I could work here for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and still have stuff to do. What I am not sure about is whether I will stop to give myself some time to relax, unwind and connect with myself, recharge for the coming day. Over the past one year, I have robbed myself of my peace of mind, and always found somebody other than me to blame it on. The truth is, nobody but me is to blame for every second I spent feeling miserable. This coming year, I will find time for myself, for doing the things I love best, for living life outside of work the way that makes me the happiest. Nobody can make me feel low unless I let what they say affect me. I will devote time to gather my thoughts, stay collected and will definitely learn to grow up as and when needed :) I don't want to find myself behaving like a 80 year old any more than I want to find myself behaving like an 8 year old :P

Love

I am not quite sure what to say about this. Except for I have learnt a hard lesson that trust is not something I will invest in anybody unless they have truly earned it. And to earn my trust (thereby my affection) is going to be a hard task for all those who will subsequently enter my life (and perhaps for some of those who are already a part of my life). This doesn't mean that I am going to be distant or aloof from the world. I will still be a girl with a good sense of humour, a healthy sense of sarcasm and lots of people to hang out with, its just not necessary that I will feel a sense of attachment to them. Everybody who knows me in this world laughs when I say this, but its going to be different this time. Yes, there will be plenty of love in my life, but only for those who have earned it  :)

I don't need to spend thousands of dollars to spend time in Italy, India and Indonesia to learn what Elizabeth Gilbert learnt. I just need the next one year and my routine life in grad school :)

Then I will use those thousands of dollars that I saved to buy me a new car :P :P :P just kidding! :)

Looking forward but moving backward

Here's how things have been playing in my mind since I came to Dallas...

- I will have a peace of mind when I settle into my apartment

- I will feel better once I start getting my stipend

- I will be happy once I find a few friends to hang out with

- I will be happy once I am done with my rotations

- I will get a peace of mind once I join a lab

- I will feel better in this lab once I get my own project

- I will have a better life once I get a car

And so on and so forth....

Well, I have settled in my apartment, I have been getting my monthly stipend all this time, I found friends (not the kind I expected but friends are friends), I am done with my rotations (in style!), I joined a lab (the best in UTSW), I have my own project, I have bought my first car...

Today, I told myself, life will be more interesting once I buy a new laptop...

I don't know why I keep telling myself that I must seek something outside in order for me to feel happy or at peace when experience has taught me that I could get everything I wish for and still be unhappy unless I allow myself to get out of it (experience has also taught me to be careful what I wish for because it might just come true.. really, one of the most horrible wishes of mine came true!)

I watched the strangest movie last night where the heroine actually sad "I like to feel sad". That was the most bizarre thing I had ever heard.

But is it really that bizarre? Aren't we all telling ourselves life will get better... eventually...

Just waiting for that elusive event that will turn our fortunes around...

Maybe its time to stop living for other things/people and to start living for ourselves. Well, I've tried everything else, this is definitely worth a shot :)

Just Do It

I finally realized last night that I had been tricking myself into believing (like several others in the field) something that is actually not completely true. Now that I am at the cross roads, embarking on a 5 year commitment to science, a commitment to a lab and its work, I need to pause and call myself a hypocrite.

Ask the life science students why they do what they do. 95% of them will tell you something like "I want to cure cancer", "I think I know what to do about AIDS", "I want to solve world hunger" (some people do genuinely want to do that actually, its not fair to say they don't). I realized that most of us have this need to know that in this life that we have, we will leave behind a mark that will be recognized for generations to come. So why not make the lives of a few people better while working towards that. Set a lofty goal.

I frankly don't know how my dissertation project is going to help solve anything for anybody. All it does is satiate my hunger in the field of neuroscience and my curiosity about neurogenesis and neuroplasticity (so proud of myself to be able to use these words!). But that's probably as far as I go. If I was that keen on helping solve the mystery of some neuropsychiatric disorder, why didn't I join a lab working on Parkinson's or Alzheimer's? Or even a lab working on drug addiction relapse or depression therapies? To be honest, sometimes the work in those labs also seem to go tangential to what they claim to be doing. They always lose sight of the bigger picture (eg.: develop more effective anti-depressants that work long-term but have effects immediately). It takes most of them 20-30 mins to figure out why this amazing knock out mouse is going to help solve the problem. Why is that?

Here's a not-so-inconvenient truth.

We tell everybody that the ultimate goal is to cure XYZ with this research. Because the money to fund your lab is scarce. And NIH wants to know that they are making a good investment by funding you. They need to know you are doing something related to "health". Duh. Its the National Institutes of Health.

But just admit it once. The reason you do what you do is not because you wanna so badly cure XYZ.

You are doing it because that's what makes you the happiest and there is nothing else you'd rather be doing in this world other than looking at brain slices under the microscope to learn something new each day.

And sometimes, that is a perfectly valid justification for doing what you do :) :) :)

Breakaway

Its been the longest time since I updated my blog (or even paid it a visit!). So much so that I saw Clueless' latest post long after it was published! :O I always manage to catch Clueless' new posts within 24 hours of publication!!! I deserve one tight slap... *slap*... ouch

But in my defense, settling in the USA has been no small task. In fact, I wouldn't say I am fully settled in yet. My definition of "fully settled" is that point of time when you don't feel too homesick and are constantly thinking of jumping on the next flight back to India (and bankrupting yourself in the process). I reached that point within 2 weeks of living in Singapore. Somehow it was so much easier to call Singapore my second home and have loads of fun (while being productive at the same time, of course... what did you expect? I was a student!). But Dallas is a whole new ball game and I was clearly not prepared to handle this.

When I was in Singapore, I used to tell everybody that I just NEED to go to the US to do my Ph.D, not because I don't think Singaporean universities are good enough for me, but because it would be a chance for me to explore a whole new continent. And I love travelling. So it was awesome to think of going to the US and feel excited about the adventures I'd embark on. While I was preparing for GRE, applying to universities and waiting for responses, I used to randomly say stuff to clueless about what I'd do when I move to the US.... eat at the fast food joints at least once simply because this is the motherland of fast food, buy my own car, go to walmart (yeah, that was something of an excitement to me back then), roadtrips, shopping, lab work, living in your own apartment, earning your own money, being completely independent.... The US was like a dream to me... and frustratingly enough, all the universities kept rejecting my application. When I did finally get an acceptance, I was so overwhelmed with joy about stuff falling into place! Finally! Now I am finally spread my wings, explore a new country, a new lifestyle, a new sense of independence, a feeling that the world is mine to conquer.

I took it for granted that settling in the US would be the same if not easier than settling in Singapore. I've been here 4 months and I still really want to just go back home (both Chennai and Singapore). Bottom line... still uncomfortable in Dallas and not feeling completely at home. Everytime I think "Ok, this is it! I have settled in!" something or the other comes my way as if to tell me "Not so easy sista!".

One trusted companion through the whole journey has been my iPod. And as usual, I was listening to songs as I was waiting for the shuttle to university today. And on came Kelly Clarkson singing "breakaway".

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky.
Make a wish, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget all the ones that I love.
I'll take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging with revolving doors
Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me
Gotta keep movin on movin on
Fly away
Break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
Though it’s not easy to tell you goodbye
Take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away
Breakaway
Break away

I need to remind myself of who I am and all the things that I have. Because I know I am the kind who won't stop till I touch the sky. And I have been given a chance here to live my dreams... I don't know why I am wasting all this feeling this way. Its not easy, but I will change things around here and make life 10 times more awesome than what I had bargained for.

I gotta take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away

Desi in videsh

The minute somebody says "desi", what's the first thing that comes to mind? It used to be Indians for me. And I thought it was the same for everybody. Until I met somebody from Pakistan, who had moved here to the US and lived here for quite a few years. She said, "Its so nice to meet desi people!".

Recently, an association was formed for "desi" people. It includes Nepalis and Pakistanis (yet to spot any Sri Lankans)...

And it hit me...

Differences in nationality, religion etc seem so petty when a group stand united to try and help each other settle into a new country. Suddenly, everything going on in the LOC seems like such a waste of precious resources. You learn to look beyond the military battles, beyond the politics, beyond the violence, and get to look into the eyes of a person, who wants peace as badly as you do, and is tired of being told to hate you, just like how you don't want to hate them...

At the end of the day, I just don't have words to describe the bond that keeps us desis here together...

But I sure am glad that love triumphs over hate

Who are you?

We often struggle to try to understand the people around us... for different reasons. Sometimes we try to understand some people in a purely professional way where we try to judge whether or not this person is worth hiring. Most often we try to understand our loved ones in a personal way. But how do we go about understanding or knowing a person?

Its a world spinning out of control. All of us are driven by our ambitions and dreams. We know that life is short and its a race to attempt to leave a mark that will last long after we are gone. To pause or to even hesitate for a second will put us at the very back of the class. We need to always be on our toes. Multi-tasking is the norm now. In such a crazy dog-eat-dog world, where do we find time to try to "know" a person?

Human beings are good at finding answers to impossible questions. At least on the professional/academic front. So how do you know who I am and what I am capable of? How will you get to know me in the shortest possible span of time? Through my application? Through my statement of purpose? You need a recommendation letter? Oh, one won't suffice, you need three, thats alright. You wanna interact with me over a telephonic interview to learn more about my views on science? Sure why not. I'd love to talk to you. How else will you learn something about me? You want my resume too? Sure, that will tell you that not only am I keen on research, I also love sports and music. I can sketch pretty well too. You want to double confirm my birth place? Well... ok.. but I am not sure how that will help you assess me.

At the end of the day, with all these documents, you write to me to tell me that I won't fit in to your environment so I can't come and join you. That's fine. I am not bitter. Really, I swear. I am not. I don't blame anybody for anything. If there is anybody to blame, it is me, and me alone. I know that. I am not being sarcastic here. I believe the system to filter out who will fit into your group academically is quite efficient... smart... time-saving. After all, time is money. You need to get to know thousands of such hopefuls, not just me. I think its a good system... not perfect, definitely not perfect, but it works most of the time, you filter so that the best of the best join you. I can see your point of view. You need the best to stay on top in this hectic world.

Forget about professional and academic lives. Lets get personal. How do the people I love, the people who love me, get to know me better? What tells you something useful about me as a person? My blog? Maybe... I tend to bookmark significant events of my life here. I also tend to think out aloud. How else? My emails? Phone conversations? Gtalk chats? Of course, we do meet face to face quite often. Are you reading my every move in an attempt to understand me? Are you trying to interpret my body language? Does it mean anything to you that I can send long emails to you everyday then suddenly not send any at all for a week? Do you think its weird that I tend to write more blog posts during exam season or generally when I am stressed? I think its weird in a very understandable way.

At the end of the day, everybody in this world is just trying to stay connected through their hectic life-schedules. We all know the importance of trying to keep ahead of the pack, but at the same time, all of us need to have people to be close to, people who can understand us, our lives, our difficulties, and people whom we can understand and support.

We're not all psychologists. Our minds aren't actively searching for clues in emails, blogs, chats etc that can tell us something extra about the people we love.

But we can't deny that we are passively wondering all the time....

For the sake of progress

It was a microbiology lecture and we noticed in one of the lecture slides, there was a picture of a fridge. We were wondering why would there be a picture of a fridge in a microbiology class especially when we thought the latest fridges were designed to keep food fresher for longer. Then the professor reaches the slide and says

This is a fridge made in Japan which can not only cool food, but also keep food warm so that husbands who come back home late from work can have a nice hot meal before going to bed.

Half the class was awestruck by the design and the idea. Until he said...

Think about this for a minute, a fridge connected to a warm incubator, at temperatures ideal for microbial growth

The whole class (full of microbiology experts) got grossed out. Then he proceeded to say

Technological advances are aimed at making our lives easier and more comfortable. But what we don't realise is that each time we introduce something new, we are modifying the environment around us. This new fridge may give nice and warm dinners, but it can also give some unknown microbe which has been incubating with your food. Today we see the increase in the number of infectious diseases, new and re-emergent. Why do you think this is? With the introduction of the plane, we made travel faster, but we also gave a new route of transmission for the spread of diseases. Now anything can become pandemic

A chill down our spine.

It got me thinking. All new technology poses a threat to the natural order of things, not just microbiology, but other things too like environment, and our very own health. The system that nature has devised with such care is so precise. Take a look at this planet, all the living beings that roam, the plants that grow, look at how everything is interconnected, look at not just how we are connected to each other through the worldwide web, look at how we are connected to this planet, the whole system. Any new technology will always have two faces to it, a positive impact on our lives as well as a negative impact. Nuclear power gave us an alternate energy source, but it also gave us the atom bomb. And this particular exam is the most cliched and over-used to prove this point. There are so many more.

We can't stop progress. We need it. As a species, I don't think we can live without it. We need the comfort. We need the speed. I don't exactly know why. But for some reason we do. I know that I do. I cannot imagine my life without the internet, cell phones, cars and modern medicine. I don't even know if I would have dared to venture out of my country if I wasn't assured of being within reach of my family every single day via phone and internet. I would not have opted to apply to the US for Ph.D out of fear of distance from my home. And that's a fact.

As a budding scientist, I am forced to ask the question...

Where so we decide that progress has to be nurtured for the benefit of mankind or even better... for the benefit of this planet? And where does progress, for the sake of progress, need to be nipped in the bud? (a line that some of my fellow Harry Potter fans should recognize!)

If progress is a double edged sword, where do I draw the line? How do I decide what kind of science I want to pursue for my Ph.D, my post doc and then later, to dedicate my life to? What kind of impact will my life have in the world? Will my science make it a better place.... or worse?

P.S. An idea that I came across in a Michael Crichton book remains one of my most favourite... This planet and its living system were here before us, constantly evolving and adapting, and will surely survive any folly of mankind. The question is never really whether we are destroying the planet, the question is, are we destroying ourselves... It's kinda humbling to look at it this way, isn't it?

E-Mail my heart

I was recently just browsing through a folder in my gmail account where I have stored all emails and chat records that mean something to me. I realised that almost all of them I have saved because somewhere buried in an ordinary looking email are words of deep affection... for example... "I love you for who you are", "You are an amazing friend", "I hope you find everything that you are looking for", "I'll always be there for you", "I don't know what I would do without you", "You have helped me through this rough patch", "I miss you", "I miss you too" etc etc. You get the gist....

The thing is, when I think about all the nice things said to me in email or chat, I struggle to dig out as many instances in face-to-face conversations with these very same people where they actually spoke out those words to me... or even a phone conversation (not sms). I have actually heard the spoken version only in the rarest of instances.

Why is it that we are more comfortable telling the people we love how we truly feel only through the internet by sending emails, chatting, becoming a fan on orkut, adding to top friends on facebook etc etc but seldom speak the same words when we meet?

Is it easier to open your computer, sign into your email and send an email saying you are thankful or something rather than picking up the phone and dialling the number? Or is money the issue here?

Maybe we just find it easier to express in an email because we have time to sit and think and frame the right sentences and so on. But don't spontaneous emotions count for anything?

Making a Difference

I have been out of India for just 3 years, doing my undergrad here in NUS in a subject that I love - life sciences. And its been an incredible experience, so incredible that I have higher goals now than when I started off. And I am working like crazy to acheive them. But when I stop for a minute and try to visualize where I will be 10 years down the road, I kinda hit a road block. A part of me says (rather reluctantly, much to my surprise) that I will be working in India, maybe I will get a faculty position in one of the IITs. Another part of me says (rather eagerly) that I would have probably settled down some place else where life science research is done best. Which of course means that I would be a part of the infamous "brain drain" problem. But the more I think about it, the more I realise that even though I love my country etc etc, I love life sciences even more and that working in India will probably not satisfy my hunger in this area. It makes a huge difference to me because I want my career to be worth it at the end. The problem is, I don't know how to define the phrase "worth it".

So what really makes someone's career "worth it" all? Is it really necessary to be in places like Stanford, Harvard etc to make a difference? Maybe the answer is yes, if its to make a difference in life sciences in particular. But to make a difference overall?

Hypothetical situation 1 - there exists such as thing as "objective" answer to the question I shall pose below.

Hypothetical situation 2 - I work in USA in some prestigious place and win the Nobel Prize for some ground breaking discovery in cell signaling. (don't laugh!). There is this other person X, who works in one of the IITs as a professor, also a life science person working in cell signaling, no nobel prize but has 5-6 students who he inspired to reach great heights.

In an objective world, whose life was more worth it at the end? The girl in the US with the nobel prize or the prof in IIT who changes lives?

This is my 150th post.... finally! :P And it wasn't a pointless post just to increase the number to 150!!! ;) :D :P

Hard, Harder........

Each time I think I couldn't be busier or things couldn't get worse, something or the other comes along to prove me wrong. And now I am buried in work so deep that my oxygen supply is in danger! So, here's my week schedule for the first week of novemeber...

Nov 3rd - Module 1 presentation
Nov 4th - Module 2 Poster presentation
Nov 6th - Module 3 class test
Nov 7th - Module 4 term paper deadline
Nov 8th - Subject GRE exam

Yeah, I am not yet done with GRE. If you thought general GRE was bad, you should try writing subject GRE in Biochemistry, Cell and Molecular Biology. You cannot prepare for the damn thing. You simply cannot. Unless you started a year in advance. This exam requires me to recollect what took me 3 years in NUS to learn in all my life sciences modules. If I had known this a year earlier, I would have started revising. Now I have 2 weeks (less than than actually) to cram in 3 years worth of knowledge. Sigh.

On top of that normal module work

Plus, I need to apply to 11-12 universities. Filling out graduate application forms is so complicated! I had no idea! It takes me 2 hours to fill up one form! sheesh :-/

And here's the icing on the cake.... I can't take time off lab work. I need to continue working on my honors project all day long. Sometimes even over the weekends. I won't even say I wish for more time... I have all the time I need to complete the work. I just need the energy to work properly when I am actually working.

There are only 3 reasons why I am still sane in the midst of all this work - Mom, Dad and Clueless. I can't imagine how I would survive the next two weeks without their help. Mom has reduced the workload involved in applications by more than half! Dad's helped out tremendously with the process of application filling (if the applications were like an exam, I'd fail it! I don't know half the answers!). And Clueless has been serving me hand and foot. We're really close friends and so we both know that its ok to help each other out and do stuff for each other when in a tight spot. But she has done so so so many things for me that I feel guilty to ask her for any more favours! I feel guilty about asking any of them (mom, dad and clueless) for favours.

Through all this crap, I have realised that it doesn't matter that I am buried in a deep pool for shit, I still wouldn't wish for Nov 8th to come soon. Its not worth wishing time away. I know I will regret it someday, like how I regret now all the times I just "wished" away before. Even though I am incredibly stressed, I feel this weird sort of happiness because I am reminded that I have people who truly care about me and my well being and that I care about them more than I care about myself. Its a nice feeling to love and be loved :) [I know that totally sounded cheesy :P]

Hypothetical situation - I do get admission in one of the several colleges I am applying to.... and I do leave Singapore to go to the US... just a hypothetical situation.... I know its going to be much harder than these two weeks. Not just the moving and adjusting and all, but going further away from the people I care about is definitely going to hurt more than anything else. But I won't be sad-sad (for the record, no, I am not a fan of sexy from cheeni kum), I will be happy-sad, sad to be moving away, but happy that I have people whom I care about enough to feel bad about going away from

Does that make sense? Or is my stressed mind just typing crappy nonsense? :-\

Simple plan

-I didn't get full marks in my dictation test!
-Don't worry MG. It doesn't matter.

-I didn't become the Primary School Section head!
-Its ok MG. Nobody will pay attention to these kind of posts down the line

-My rank went down! I have gone from 4th rank to the 10th rank this half-yearly exam!
-Doesn't matter MG. Nobody will ever bother about these school marks of yours later

-I screwed up my 10th board exam!
-Doesn't matter! Won't make a difference to your future!

-I didn't get full marks in Science in my 12th boards!
-Its ok. You got good enough marks to get into a good university. Whether or not you got full marks won't make a difference.

I have found all that to be true. No matter how scary it is at that point of time, when people told me that certain things, like getting full marks in boards, don't matter because they don't make a difference, they were right. Nobody cares now what marks I got and I sure as hell didn't need full marks there to get admission in a good place. It didn't matter that I didn't write IIT-JEE exam like the million others who do it just because someone else wants them to. It didn't matter that I wasn't in the top ranks for the one entrance exam that I did write. Even though I got worked up about such things, I have come to realise that none of those things affect me today and will never affect me in future.

Since then, I have tried to see if any situation in my life that gets me down will affect me in the long run. If the answer is no, then no point worrying about it. And the answer has almost always been, "No, it won't make a difference a few years down the line". Pretty simple. All in black and white.

I always thought my plan was very straightforward - get a bachelor's degree in Science, masters and then Ph.D. Then either start working or on to post doc. Now it doesn't seem that easy. And I can't seem to make things simpler or less stressful by analysing whether it will make a difference down the line. The answer is always a "maybe" or "perhaps" or "I don't know". Nothing is as plain as it used to be

-I didn't get time to go to the career fair to submit my resume for a summer internship. Will it affect my future and my chances at an impressive resume?
-Perhaps

-I had class till such and such time and by the time I went to register for the career fair, all the vacancies were filled! Will it affect anything?
-Perhaps

-I am so swamped with work, be it lab or normal courses, and I don't have time to study for GRE. Will it affect anything?
-Don't know

-I may not get the best recommendation letter from my prof because I didn't get stellar results for my project. Will it affect my admission to graduate school or my job opportunities in a good lab?
-I think so

Shit! When did my simple plan for my simple life become so complex and puzzling? :(

Recognizing me

I just came back from a History tutorial. A minor incident got me thinking. We were reading the writings of a Japanese poet who got a sponsored trip around Manchuria to observe how the place is run. In the introduction section, it was written that she was a well-known writer. My tutorial professor is not Japanese and so he is not really clued in to famous writers from Japan. So he decided to investigate by asking the asian students in class.

Prof - So this lady, is she very popular? Do you come across her works often?

Students - She is supposed to be popular. We haven't heard much about her though. This is our first encounter. But considering this reading says she met loads of important officials and was good friends with them and had warlords of China receiving her at the railway station etc, we think she was pretty popular at the time. But no, we haven't heard this name before

Student thought bubble - because we aren't Japanese literature majors!!!!

Prof - Ah... ok... I am just trying to assess the situation here to totally understand her take on imperialism. Because the background of the writer matters. So basically you wouldn't say she is Shakespeare material, right?

Students - *blank look *

Prof - I mean, she never won a nobel prize or anything so it probably wasn't too big a deal, her works I mean. Might not have been that great because she didn't win. Didn't make a difference

That's what got me thinking. It seemed like if she had indeed gotten the nobel prize, it would have made all the difference in the world as to what the standard of her poetry was.

I thought that was quite unfair.

It happens often in life, doesn't it?

-Oh, I have heard about this movie, XYZ! I wonder if its as good as they say it is!
-Oh that movie, didn't win an oscar though. Can't have been that great.

- I read these books written by this fellow. I think he is a real pervert to write such things!
- Dude! What the hell are you talking about! That book won a Pulitzer! You're weird!

Just two instances mentioned here, I know. But these are things that actually happened around me.

It sort of disturbs me that everyone is looking for something in your work beyond what you present. It needs to be recognized. And not just by anyone, only the best will do.

It is sort of scary in a way. I know that I will always work hard and try to do my very best in whichever field I go. But its not necessary my work will be recognized by the best even if it is top notch. Maybe because it didn't reach the right people. Maybe they are racially biased. Maybe the political scenario at the time was unfavourable for the work of a person from the country I am from to be recognized (like the Japanese woman). Doesn't mean you can just dismiss my work as something that "doesn't make a difference".

While it matters more that the work you do keeps you satisfied and while they say it doesn't matter if you aren't recognized, don't do it for recognition, once it a while, even the work that you do for your own pleasure (and not for recognition), it feels good to be acknowledged for the job if its done well. I guess not being acknowledged is alright with me too. Because afterall,I started off doing what I do for the love of it and not for the sake of recognition. So its alright.

But if someone dismisses my work just because I didn't win a Nobel Prize or earn millions of dollars, I sure as hell will give them a rough time!

Believe in miracles?

Santa left me a little something for Christmas!!! Well... actually I got the present only the day after christmas but what the heck.... its a Christmas miracle!!!! :)

I kept cribbing to anyone who would listen about the release date for the exam results. What were they thinking?!!! The results were released right after Christmas! What if the grades were bad? It would take the fun out of Christmas! I was terrified at the thought of my exam results. I was terrified even before I wrote the exam and after that too! Its better to feel a bit tense about the results before the exams because it sorta motivates me to push myself and also, there is that window of hope... the paper might not be as bad as I imagine it to be! Its horrible once the exam is done and the paper was indeed as bad (or worse!) than I imagined it to be. Thats the story of my fifth semester exams in a nutshell.

I was never this worried about exam results. If there is one thing that I am really good at, its making schedules for myself during the study week and sticking to the timetable. And I make extremely ambitious schedules. Some people say I overestimate myself, but that has never stopped me. This semester was different. I made my usual schedule, but unlike previous semesters, 25% of the schedule remained unfinished. And in the remaining 75%, I crossed out another 25% without even touching the topic.... just so that it would look like I had accomplished something and to make me feel less guilty. Don't get my wrong here... its not like I wasted too much time during the study week (except for a few breaks and one freak out session with clueless!). Both of us studied very hard but there was just waaaay toooo much to complete. I felt very unprepared when I walked into the exam hall and had every reason to feel scared of my results.

But you must have already guessed what my results were. Afterall, I started off talking about miracles! Yes!!!! My results are wonderful! *touchwood*! I never expected this sorta thing to happen! I got an A+ in the module I least expected and an A in another module which I was sure I would get a B+ max! When I saw the page with my results, I refused to believe they were mine. My first thought was that the people at the university goofed up somewhere and mixed my grades with some other kid's grades. But such things don't happen (usually!). I just couldn't believe it! For the next two days, I had to keep announcing my grades to convince myself that they were really mine! My parents thought I was just bragging :P :P :P

The results were out on the 26th of December and I left for a 4 day long road trip the following morning with mom and dad. We drove to Kumbakonam. And its a well known fact that there is nothing to see in that region except loads of ancient temples and a famous chruch. In fact, on a particular day, we visited 7 ancient temples in the span of 3 hours!!! I love visiting these temples because the architechture is amazing! I have always wondered how they managed to lift the heavy granite stone that usually forms the top of the temple tower. What kind of technology did they have 2000 years ago to build such massive structures?! Even though I am a Hindu, I end up visiting these temples more as a tourist. Of course, when I am there, I do pray, but I would never consider this trip a "pilgrimage".

Each temple that you visit comes with its own myths and tales. You will never know if they actually happened because they are so delicately intertwined with facts and known history. There is no point in trying to figure out if the war in Mahabharath really happened by trying to figure out the dates of the eclipse and so on and so forth. You just believe. Because you want to believe. I don't know whether Karna was really born with his armour and all, but I want to believe, because his story teaches me something about generosity and friendship. The road trip to the temples around Kumbakonam reminded me that as long as you believe, anything is possible.

This trip gave me loads of time to think. It was full of long drives through the countryside and quiet contemplation. Maybe its not really a miracle that I got these grades this semester. Maybe it was just the bell-shaped curve that helped me out. Maybe its not necessary to study hard for some exams. Maybe sutdying smart is the key. Maybe along with the studying, all I need to do is to believe that I will remember whatever I learnt even though it seems like I have forgotten. Or maybe miracles do happen. I have no clue what helped me!

The lesson I take home from all of this? At the end of it all, believing is what matters. Whether its believing in myself or even miracles. Maybe if I believe in myself, I could do better. Or maybe Santa did leave me (and clueless!) a christmas gift as a reward for believing in Christmas and displaying our Christmas spirit by eating cakes! :P *winks at Clueless* In this coming semester, maybe I will try to have a little more faith in myself and see what happens. In the meanwhile, I will conclude this post and try not to think too much about how I got those grades. Afterall, they do say...

Never question a miracle :)

Breaking the Habit

Its been a tradition. Every school examination. I get up and get ready then walk into the pooja room to pray then touch my parent's feet then take off. My dad initially had to remind me every exam morning. It turned into a habit later. Especially in 12th standard with so many exams back to back, I used to just walk into the pooja room without even thinking about it. Basically, I couldn't go to the exam hall unless I finished this.

When I came to stay in hostel for my university life, I had no clue how I would follow the tradition. No pooja room, no parents nearby. When my first exam came, I figured a way out. I used the idols I have in my room and a picture of my mom and dad to follow my tradition. All was peachy. In year 2, there might have been one or two exams for which I forgot the tradition and walked off to the exam hall. But year 3, the habit's completely gone! I had 4 exams. I forgot before my first exam. I remembered that I forgot only when I sat in my seat and saw my exam paper in front of me. I actually remembered before my second exam when I was taking bath. But after I stepped out of the bathroom and reached my room, I forgot again till I reached the hall. Same thing happened for the next two exams. And I felt guilty each time. My exams didn't go too well this semester and a part of me is wondering whether this is the reason. Of course, a bigger part of me tells me that the reason is definitely inadequate amount of preparation. This made me feel less guilty (oddly enough) but made me wonder why I used to follow the tradition in the first place. Was is to ask for excellent grades when I didn't study anything at all? Grades I might not deserve?

The answer is no. Anytime I pray before exams, I only ask for help to remember what I have studied and if I haven't studied well, then I ask for the strength to accept the poor grades that might (erm...will) come my way :P I know it all sounds cheesy but hey, thats how its been in my life. I did feel bad I broke a long standing habit. But I no longer will blame that for poor grades. I feel bad only because it used to be a tradition and I strongly believe in upholding traditions.

There was a couplet I learnt in 6th standard which I still remember.

Dukh mein sumeeran sab kare, sukh mein kare na koi,
Jo sukh mein sumeeran kare, tho dukh kaahe hoi

(Translation: Everyone prays when they face hardships, but nobody when they are happy. If you remember to pray when you are happy, then why do you have to worry about hardships)

Moral of the story.... Whether or not I remember to pray before exams, I should remember to be thankful for what I have. I need to remember to follow Kabir's doha (couplet) and I know I will be fine :)

Vacations are finally here!!!! As clueless loves to sing.... "what time is it?! Party time, its our vacation!" :D :D :D

YOU grow up!

Last night, Clueless and I were talking about how an abstract should be written for a paper. I said..

Its like the back cover of Nancy Drew. You summarize the plot to attract the reader to buy it. Abstract is the first thing the reader will see. But its different from Nancy Drew in that you give a small spoiler... you results mentioned in a line or two! What compels the reader to go ahead with your paper is to see HOW you got the result and not WHAT the result was!

Then I asked her...

Do you think I should become a professor when I grow up?

Today I was talking to my mom about lunch and I mentioned I might go and grab a burger for lunch. Sorta like drown my stress (not sorrow... I'm not particularly sad. Just stressed.... happily stressed :P :P) in oily fries and a large coke. And she told me to enjoy it while I could. Then I asked her why did she say "while I could". Then she said that later in life people worry about putting on weight and cholestrol and all that sort of stuff. To that I asked her

You think I will have to worry about all that when I grow up?

This got me thinking.... I am technically an adult now because I am above 18. And I don't (and most probably won't) grow anymore in terms of my height or build or whatever. I think this is the height I will be for the rest of my life. Then when will I "grow up"? It seems like such a distant future but at some level, its my present. Makes sense?

Its something like.... when you are a kid, you have these wild fantasies about who you will become when you grow up. But thats perfectly alright... kids are kids... but at what point of time will I become an adult, not in terms of age or physical appearance but in terms of my mind and stop saying "when I grow up"?

Its sorta scary in a way. I am kinda hoping the day when I stop saying the phrase will never come... because its almost like there is nothing more to look forward to... Your life has set and you have.... well.... grown up! For now... the phrase "when I grow up" is very comforting because each time I say that, I know I have some more time on my hands to properly shape my future and decide the direction in which my life will proceed.

Its not the end. Its only the beginning :)

And I can't help but to remember a quote from the movie "Flavors"

Candy- Grow up man!

Vivek- YOU grow up!

:P