Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Who am I?

Trust me to get lost in my own thoughts late at night and to come up with a blog post titled "Who am I?"!!! :P Those of you who have stuck with my blog for long enough know that this is nothing out of the ordinary.... MG is famous for her identity crisis posts. I have posts wondering, do I want to go back to India to settle, do I want to stay in science, did I do the right thing coming to Dallas for a Ph.D, etc. Nothing new really.

Except this time it feels different inside of me. Usually when I write an identity crisis post, I am freaking out inside, kinda depressed and overall low. But right now, as I type this out, I am completely alright. I feel very stable, I feel neutral, not depressed, I feel calm. I don't feel worried at all. I know my mom and dad read my blog religiously so here is me telling them not to worry about me, I know I have been busy off late but I am alright, I am doing good and there is nothing to worry about! This is me thinking out loud.

Who am I? For the first time, I actually feel confident answering this. When I opened my laptop to write this post, I thought it was going to be another turmoil-filled post with me concluding I have no idea who I really am. But now, I am typing at the speed of my thoughts and I am pleasantly surprised to see that I know who I am and I am even more surprised to know I feel confident about it.

I am crazy. It is taxing to be my friend. I can be funny, I know I have made people laugh. I feel miserable sometimes about being so far away from home, but more than that, I also know I am the luckiest girl on earth because anytime I feel bad, literally, any time of the day, if I feel bad, I have friends all over this planet who will be in a time zone where they are actually awake, to talk things out with me. If ever there is even a teardrop in my eye, there are people all over the world, who if they found out about it, would worry about me. I am the luckiest girl to have a family in India who understand me, understand my needs and love me and know that I always always will love them with all my heart. So why the heck have I been so insecure? Why the heck have I kept doubting myself? I must be a decent person to have found friends who love me and whom I love.

I know who I am. I can swing from being immature to being kinda adult-ish. But I know who I truly am. I am immature. I have a ton of growing up to do. I've been so busy focusing on people around me that I never stopped to take a look at myself and do what I need to do. Clueless was right all along. I have the capacity in me to be independent and strong. She was right when she said I could grow as a person who needs to solely depend on herself for happiness. I am not there yet but I am getting there.

I know who I am. I know I am capable of being the most selfish person you have ever seen. I know I do that a lot. But I also know that I am capable of change. Its a theme in my life that I used to resent at first but now, its my most favourite thing in the world - change is the only thing constant. And it feels good to FINALLY understand what its like to completely and totally believe in that idea, I have surrendered myself to that concept and tonight, for the first time, I feel free.

I know who I am. I make bad choices all the time. I know I suck at figuring people out. I am horrible at being able to express what I truly feel inside. I know that very often, when I sincerely care about somebody and tell them as much, it can seem like an insincere statement. I know there are a lot of people in my life who are my "friends" because they feel obligated in some way to be my friend. But tonight, for the first time, I feel like I don't really care about any of that. Because I know that the people who truly care about me, no obligations, are the only people I need to be worried about. Today, for the first time, like an epiphany of some sort, I have realized who are the people in my life who are with me because they truly value my friendship and believe in me.

I remember a time, since I got to Dallas, I was always chasing after something, telling myself I needed to acquire something in order to be truly happy.

"Once I settle in a lab, I will be happy. Once I buy a car, I will be happy. Once I get my own apartment, I will be happy. Once I make a trip to India, I will be happy. Once I get a smart phone, I will be happy".

But right now, for the first time in 2 years, I am not chasing anything to be happy. Goodness gracious me, why do I feel so secure in my life all of a sudden????!!!!

I know who I am. And suddenly, every little thing that used to bother me before, doesn't bother me anymore. I can't explain this change. I can't explain why I feel this way. I cannot explain what just happened that made me completely embrace the concept of change and feel blessed to have it in my life. Change, is the best thing ever. Yeah, it meant having to go away from home, it meant having to leave friends behind, but it also meant gaining a sense of security in the love that I get from my family and the friends that truly care. Change means having a chance to start over fresh and make sure you don't make the same mistakes you made the last time.

Life is suddenly exciting to me. Yeah, so what if I am super immature now. So what if I was needy in the past. So what if I was insecure. I don't give a damn.

My life is just starting... and I have a lot of growing up to do!

I am going to do great all on my own :)

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