Friday, May 11, 2012

A process, not a time-point

Anybody who thinks that coming out is the time point when you announce to your family that you are gay, is very naive. I used to be naive and thought I was "out" just because I had told my parents that I am gay and I thought I had dealt with my feelings about the matter. But as it turns out, it is a journey, that is still on-going. And every now and then, things happen that make me realize that being openly gay does not mean I'm completely out, even to myself. (I just re-read that sentence and it made no sense, but I am keeping it there).

I  have lost count of the number of times I have opened and closed blogger in an attempt to write this post. And its been two days since I contemplated writing it. I was on facebook when I read the story of Shane and Tom, and I was really moved by it. I seem to be able to relate to it on a level I never would have before I came out. I really want to help spread awareness in society about same-sex relationships and hope that some day gay marriage will be legalized. I really wanted to share the video that Shane had made on my facebook page. But I was stunned by how difficult it was for me to just get myself to click the "share" button. I finally did share the story on my facebook page, and then turned to blogger to write about how shocked I was to find myself hesitate to share something that meant a lot to me on my timeline, and was shocked even further to find how difficult it was to write this post about the video itself.

Am I still afraid of being "openly" gay? I didn't think I was. I am sure I am not. I have no problem being openly gay and celebrating love with my girlfriend who means a lot to me. Yet, every now and then, I get caught up in the ten years of my life that I spent in denial, convincing myself that I was wrong, and that I was an abomination and I should be ashamed of myself. I did a good job brainwashing myself that being gay was wrong. Today, I am happy being honest with the people in my life who matter to me the most, but still, there are traces of my denial and hesitance to be open about it to the rest of my extended family and friends.

Like I said, coming out is a process, a journey. And I know soon enough, those ten years of brainwashing that I put myself through will be meaningless and I will be free. But right now, I have to say, life looks so much better and I breathe so much easier knowing I am being true to myself, my family and my friends. Those who truly love me will stay and as for the rest, I shouldn't worry about them, especially because they expect me to be somebody I am not.

Right now, I am the only Indian girl that I know of who is out of the closet. And I try to be openly gay so that if ever another Indian girl goes through the turmoil that I did about my identity, she'll have me to reach out to. Here is hoping that someday, coming out won't be such an arduous process and people will perceive being gay as something just as "natural" as being straight.  


Razzmatazz1 said...

I think you are really brave! And you should be proud of yourself for the same - you're the first Indian girl I know of, who's 'out of the closet' so to speak! So be yourself and with time things will fall into place :)

Outlaw said...

Proud of you! More power to you. Btw, there is another amazing Indian blogger who came out of the closet and who;s inspired and supported many others to. I used to read her regularly before She was the first person who made me understand how it is and how unfair this whole thing is. Anyway , i was moved by the video to. I hope this changes quickly! -- Outlaw