Saturday, November 04, 2006

Stranger in my room....

I don't know whats come over me...

I look in the mirror, but I don't see myself. Thats some other girl standing there pretending to be me and failing miserably. There doesn't seem to be too much of cheerfulness in her eyes, she looks constantly tired, constantly guilty about sleeping for 7 hours every night (even though that is the correct amount she should be sleeping), constantly guilty about taking breaks from studies even when she needs it more than anything else. I see a stressed out person in the mirror and I don't know who the hell she is. She looks like she might crumble anytime under the pressure her academic life has imposed upon her. That can't be me :(

I don't know what has gotten over me. I never used to let the pressures in my academic life affect my personal life... my thoughts and most importantly, my behaviour and attitude.

Is this because the workload has never been this high in my entire life? So what if its a huge workload... you keep working your way through it till you are done with it. That should not affect anything else in your life. I know things will get worse in future... life is quite long and will throw harder challenges and tighter deadlines at me... i can't afford to crumble now... heavy workload can't be the reason, can it?

Maybe its because the workload is so amazingly high that my subconscious mind has resigned to the fact that I will never be able to finish all the work properly before the deadlines. I have just given up on myself and my grades... or at least thats what i want to do. My body wants to give up and just say "The heck with grades and marks... lets just study because we want to and not because we have to. Go easy on yourself". My mind is resisting that. To my mind, no matter how much I finish, it will never be enough. So ultimately I feel like a prisoner. Mind trapped in this body or body trapped in this mind... I don't know which way it works... but whichever way it works... I feel like a prisoner... trapped inside my room all day long with no time for anything else but studies... I feel like a prisoner trapped in this campus... no matter what I do or where I go, i feel like a prisoner..... I just feel like screaming right now.

Ok... so I am an emotional girl. But not THIS emotional (I mean... you can see how emotional I am right now through this post, can't you?). My workload is definitely getting to me.

But it remains a puzzle to me... I am not the only one with so much to finish in so little time. All my friends also have the same amount of work (if not more!), but I don't see anything different about them (except for their tired eyes... they all look like they need more sleep), the way they see something different in me. How are they able to go about life so... normally and unaffectedly when I am almost losing my mind every night? I really don't get their secret. Even if they told me what it was, I wouldn't understand.

The only way out is through... the only way I can cheer myself up and return back to being the "good 'ol macho girl (with a broad grin showing all her teeth)" is to try to find a solution to this problem all by myself. To find a way to deal with stress in a more efficient manner. To keep my temper, ego and pride under control...

I remember what my parents used to say when they saw the timetables and deadlines I used to set for myself. They thought I was mad. I used to set the most outrageous timetables. My plans were detailed and eloborate... but with one small flaw...

I never included long breaks in my plan... a break to just take a walk... listen to music... play with the cats... watch TV or do ANYTHING else... other than studies.

I used to be hard on myself. It worked well for me in school. Maybe I am just being too hard on myself right now... and its not working so well for university life. Well Duh it isnt... school and university are two different places requiring me to do different things... i need to realise that and be more realistic about my plans.

Because my plans are not just affecting my moods... they are affecting the people around me also. I can't let that happen anymore.

There is a stranger in my room... a monster.... a wannabe nerd...

I need to drive this person away.... ASAP.. and bring sunshine back into my life..

I need time.... please bear with me for a while... i promise I will cheer up and bounce back soon

P.S. to those who have been affected by my weird mood swings... I apologize from the bottom of my heart... I will try to do better in future. As i said before... i need time... I am terribly sorry about this new monster who has taken over my room.... and me....


Shweta said...

hey, first year seems like hell to us life science idiots already...can imagine how bad it must be for u! cheer up, only a month left!

double head said...

Life can be only as hard as we want it to be. Working towards a goal with deadlines is always tough. Learning for the sake of knowledge is always fun. But studying for grades is always hell. One needs to balance these two. Hang in there macho girl.The stranger in your room is a temporary resident. She will get out as soon as she knows that she is not welcome there. Who can make it known to her that she is not welcome, only MACHO GIRL can!!! Few more weeks, life will be once again fun. Enjoy the learning, but do not dread the studying. carry on until the destination is reached. Let us see a big grin on the macho face!!

Clueless said...

Ah, I knew this post would be coming soon. Not going to say much here, since I already bug you enough in real life ('cuz I lurve bugging you! :P) about these matters, but I will say that I'm glad you've recognized the issue and are working towards it. One more month and it'll all be over. Of course, there's next sem to worry about, but we'll cross that bridge when the time comes. We always manage to do so, don't we? :)

Just remember, do your best. Leave the rest to God, fate...whatever you believe in. Don't worry about things that are out of your control, and concentrate on the things that DO lie in your hands.

And don't worry, everything will be fine. Trust me. :)

the teller said...

hmm.. well dude.. cant believe u r letting the stress get on to u like tis..u know wat, u shd do sumting crazy!! (like i watched two movies today, inspite of having to do a lot of project work)..sumtimes it jus takes your mind off everyting.. do crazy stuff atleast once a week man.. big deal.. academics r nt evertying in life.. (btw, i was like u, b4 coming here too.. elaborate timetables wid no brks.. see how uni has chged me.. u can do it too).. tc.. luv.. anu

Macho Girl said...

haha. yes... good 'ol first year!!! I miss that :D

#double head
i think macho girl is already kicking the stranger out! I feel much better now :)

i am doing my best and i think i just might be succeeding! :)

Hey! Welcome to my blog! Great to c u here :)

And thanks for that comment... it just changed my whole perspective. I needed that reminder... academics r'nt everything in life. Thanks dude! it meant a lot and i feel better already! :)

Confused Soul said...

Awwww.. don't worry too much.. let me remind you that Bill gates dropped out of college and Dhirubai Ambani never went to one! :P
So academics isn't eveyrthing in life - it's your attitude and passion that'll matter in the end..
And I'll also add what I had said to clueless once - If God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it! :)
Just try your best to remain calm.. because words you say to your loved ones and things you do can't be erased.. Don't let your professional life affect your personal relationships :)