Stranger in my room....

I don't know whats come over me...

I look in the mirror, but I don't see myself. Thats some other girl standing there pretending to be me and failing miserably. There doesn't seem to be too much of cheerfulness in her eyes, she looks constantly tired, constantly guilty about sleeping for 7 hours every night (even though that is the correct amount she should be sleeping), constantly guilty about taking breaks from studies even when she needs it more than anything else. I see a stressed out person in the mirror and I don't know who the hell she is. She looks like she might crumble anytime under the pressure her academic life has imposed upon her. That can't be me :(

I don't know what has gotten over me. I never used to let the pressures in my academic life affect my personal life... my thoughts and most importantly, my behaviour and attitude.

Is this because the workload has never been this high in my entire life? So what if its a huge workload... you keep working your way through it till you are done with it. That should not affect anything else in your life. I know things will get worse in future... life is quite long and will throw harder challenges and tighter deadlines at me... i can't afford to crumble now... heavy workload can't be the reason, can it?

Maybe its because the workload is so amazingly high that my subconscious mind has resigned to the fact that I will never be able to finish all the work properly before the deadlines. I have just given up on myself and my grades... or at least thats what i want to do. My body wants to give up and just say "The heck with grades and marks... lets just study because we want to and not because we have to. Go easy on yourself". My mind is resisting that. To my mind, no matter how much I finish, it will never be enough. So ultimately I feel like a prisoner. Mind trapped in this body or body trapped in this mind... I don't know which way it works... but whichever way it works... I feel like a prisoner... trapped inside my room all day long with no time for anything else but studies... I feel like a prisoner trapped in this campus... no matter what I do or where I go, i feel like a prisoner..... I just feel like screaming right now.

Ok... so I am an emotional girl. But not THIS emotional (I mean... you can see how emotional I am right now through this post, can't you?). My workload is definitely getting to me.

But it remains a puzzle to me... I am not the only one with so much to finish in so little time. All my friends also have the same amount of work (if not more!), but I don't see anything different about them (except for their tired eyes... they all look like they need more sleep), the way they see something different in me. How are they able to go about life so... normally and unaffectedly when I am almost losing my mind every night? I really don't get their secret. Even if they told me what it was, I wouldn't understand.

The only way out is through... the only way I can cheer myself up and return back to being the "good 'ol macho girl (with a broad grin showing all her teeth)" is to try to find a solution to this problem all by myself. To find a way to deal with stress in a more efficient manner. To keep my temper, ego and pride under control...

I remember what my parents used to say when they saw the timetables and deadlines I used to set for myself. They thought I was mad. I used to set the most outrageous timetables. My plans were detailed and eloborate... but with one small flaw...

I never included long breaks in my plan... a break to just take a walk... listen to music... play with the cats... watch TV or do ANYTHING else... other than studies.

I used to be hard on myself. It worked well for me in school. Maybe I am just being too hard on myself right now... and its not working so well for university life. Well Duh it isnt... school and university are two different places requiring me to do different things... i need to realise that and be more realistic about my plans.

Because my plans are not just affecting my moods... they are affecting the people around me also. I can't let that happen anymore.

There is a stranger in my room... a monster.... a wannabe nerd...

I need to drive this person away.... ASAP.. and bring sunshine back into my life..

I need time.... please bear with me for a while... i promise I will cheer up and bounce back soon


P.S. to those who have been affected by my weird mood swings... I apologize from the bottom of my heart... I will try to do better in future. As i said before... i need time... I am terribly sorry about this new monster who has taken over my room.... and me....