Its hard for me to believe I used to play the violin. Yeah, its gotten to the point where I have to say I "used" to play the violin. I haven't touched that sacred instrument in more than a year. And I feel ashamed. I felt the exact opposite 3 years ago after performing in my first ever concert (I am listening to the audio of that piece right now! Seriously, I cannot believe I actually played that quite fluently!). I used to be incredibly satisfied with the direction my music was going.
Today I miss all that. I should have learnt violin for longer. I should have performed more (performance practise sessions are so rigourous, they'll make anybody an expert in the instrument!). Basically, I just shouldn't have stopped learning.
Each step in my academic life seems to take me one step away from a chance to dive back into classical music. Singapore doesn't seem half as bad an option right now to pick up the violin again. My latest excuse - USA is not the place to learn classical carnatic music on a violin!
If I miss playing the violin so much, what's preventing me from just going against all odds and picking up from where I left off? Fear. Its as simple as that. I am scared of failing, of finding myself worse than when I left off, of having to start over again from the beginning (Sarali varisai!!), of having forgotten to tune the violin, of so many things. Right now its just so much simpler for me to sit on my rear and say "oh yeah, I used to be a violinist in an orchestra, but I cannot play anything for you now because I didn't bring my instrument... luggage problem, you see".
I wonder if I will gather the courage to take the next step. To get myself an instrument, find myself a mentor, and start playing an instrument I am so fond of, and that I miss so dearly....
P.S.: I also miss my orchestra and organising concerts every semester! If anybody from my orchestra is reading this, you people rock! The classical way! \m/
P.P.S: Its like the blogging gene in me has been knocked down since I moved to the USA. In spite of having so many things happening around me, why am I not writing more often?!